could shit happen .. twice?

Sometimes I prefer looking at the world without my glasses. Blur. It's easier that way. It relaxes my tired eyes. And its my reality. Having blur vision I trust my gut to tell me what bus is coming who is looking at me and how to find my way. With my glasses on, its the 'tinted' world that I am looking at and its staring at me. I don't want to see my scars, I don't want to see war I don't want to see hurt and pain.

So what the hell am I talking about? You maybe wondering. Coupla months ,,, may be more than a couple a colleague left the company. She's a good friend. Today I came back to the office after my course last friday and monday, I was given the same shock again. Another good colleague of mine leaving. She came back from work after her maternity leave and decides to leave. In fact she told me that when she had her baby she had already made up her mind. I already had that gut feeling that she was gonna leave sooner or later. In fact after her marriage I felt alittle insecure. I was scared she won't come back to work after her honeymoon. I am the first officially to know as her supervisor and I guess a close friend that she broke the news to verbally. In fact whatever she said became a blur to me. My head started spinning like mad. And I told her that. I was rambling nonsense I couldn't make sense of my words. My heart was broken I could have broken down and cry like a baby but I couldn't. I had to show my brave front. Of course I said the good stuff about leaving and I was honest and genuine about it.But these people are closest to me because we have the same "mind". They were one of the reasons I love saying hello in the morning in the office. I looked forward to the morning chats. I look forward everyday working with them. If only they know. They were the source of inspiration to the work.

God I feel like crying like now. What about me???? i don't have anything to look forward to at work.. friends? nil. career prospects?? nil. I am a lost soul trying to find my direction in life right now. And with all this happening where the hell am I going? She said maybe this a sign for me. That caught me for awhile. I should leave.

I took half day off I couldn't handle the day anymore. I went back home told my husband about it. I felt better after talking to him That maybe I could help him with his business and look after my son and maybe put him in school ...... suddenly everything felt right and in place. We went out had lunch having a good time .. I was 'high' on the idea of working part-time and spending more time with my son.. that maybe I could have play dates with her and her son as well as my other friend. I was mentally planning what work I should finish before tendering my resignation. As my day almost ended we were sitting down eating ice-cream.. I felt down. I felt like shit. Damn I don't care about my work right now .. all I wanna do is mop. I have no one to talk to about 'me or her' at work. Again I am losing some one dear to me. Of course I sound like a selfish idiot right now. She and the other friend help me in check with me. Confusing but this is how I am.

I couldn't stop working right now!! What the hell was I thinking. My hubby alone can't support the family! When I did the family's finances .. we'll be in a rut if I don't work.

Tomorrow morning I'll be facing my boss. She'll be reading the letter in the morning. In the evening we have 'compulsory' idiotic appreciation for some head. What about people like her??? I wanna cry. I wanna feel sad and make my sadness known to the company. Damn her,, damn to all people why leave me behind...........

10 - 1 tag - Thanks to Zuhri

Cool excersize! (how do you spell this ????)

10 FIRSTS

first best friend: Hajar, Pri 1???

first item you stole: can't remember maybe my brother's money

first pet: rabbits

first piercing: ears

first school: PAP, Bedok South

first house location: Bedok South

first crush: Sec 1

first kiss: 10 yrs old from an older cousin

first car: none

9 LASTS

last time you smoked: 4yrs ago (bet none of u new huh!)

last food you ate: padthai

last movie you watched on dvd at home: Big Momma's HOuse 2

last movie you watched at the cinema: too long ago

last text message: to my hubby

last music video u saw: some black rapper kat Mtv

last song you listened to: BIME - Joshua Kadison

last words you said: TIDOR! (to my son)

8 HAVE-YOU-EVERS

dated a best friend: yes (sort of - bet u guys didn't know this too!)

been arrested: nope

been on TV: yes

eaten sushi: yes

cheated on your BF/GF: no

been on a blind date: yes

been out of the country: yes

been in love: yes

7 THINGS YOU ARE WEARING

1. shirt

2. specs

3. pants

4. ring

5.

6.

7.

6 THINGS YOU HAVE DONE TODAY

1. fixed my teeth

2. played with my son

3. ate padthai

4. talked to my sis

5. talked to my mom

6. reply comments on my blog

5 FAVORITE THINGS

1. food

2. relaxing at home

3. travelling - just getting out of singapore

4. movies

5. music

4 PEOPLE YOU TRUST THE MOST

1. my sis

2. my mom

3. my better half

4. myself

3 THINGS YOU WANT TO DO BEFORE YOU DIE

1. perform hajj

2. be rich and forgiving

3. have my own foundation

2 CHOICES

vanilla or chocolate: chocolate

rock or rap: rap

1 PERSON YOU WANT TO SEE RIGHT NOW?

my irritating colleague - i want to tell her to get over it and be mature otherwise get lost (macam real je)

Teething emergency

I woke up with anger today. I opened my eyes and felt some chips on my tongue. Not potato chips but hard white colored chips. It was part of my teeth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! My upper tooth was chipped alhamdulillah it was not the front but the back. Can i escape work today and quickly run to the dentist. Man I can't! I have a roundtable discussion (which was awfully stupid!) I went to work and fixed an appointment with the dentist.

My teeth got fixed (apparently he found out more teething problems) and $164 just blew away. I had to pay $25 for some teeth cream so there $185!!!! Well the dentist concluded that it wasn't my poor habit of taking care of my teeth rather this was due to my embryonic development. Can't blame my mom it's alittle too late. He said premature babies would have this problem too when they grow up. I wasn't premature .. I was overmature. 10mths in the belly. All I know that my mom was a chronic coffee and air kelapa drinker that both conconction must be mixed together in order to satiate her craving. And there was no one who could stop her. Don't know whether the combination was lethal but the air kelapa had to be alittle rosak in order for her to drink.

If I ever get pregnant again I'll watch out on my cravings and not go extreme on it.

So I took half day afternoon off and my budget review was due today and I didn't get a chance to take a look at it. I know my boss wasn't happy but my smile was a stake! I'm sure Mona Lisa would have done the same!

Only now (it's 11pm) did I get a chance to read my blog. So I've been tagged? Lemme check it out.

Joshua Kadison

I've never seen this guy's pic or album but I have always loved 2 of his songs - Beautiful in my eyes (BIME) and Jesse. Picture postcards from LA is equally as soothing. I can't get BIME out of my head now. Today I received a beautiful unexpected surprise. 3 huge gerberas (I think they are African) in a clear vase. It was from summergerbera.blogspot.com. I like their work because of the clear passion in them. Well I think the blogspot don't do justice to the real work that they do. It was actually an apology gift but it didnt' matter to me. NO need to apologise guys. I love your work! But then again I love receiving flowers and happy surprises.

The other not so good surprise in reshuffling in the department. *sigh* I dont know guys. I took time off from 3pm onwards I must have been stressed that the moment I reached home the first thing I did after putting down my bag was to rearrange some flowers which was about to die in 2 vases. I call my creation "love" and "garden of hope".

Love

Garden of Hope

sesekali kena tag

Hmm bila sesekali kena tag.. boring lak. Why? Cos I just cleaned up my bag cos I finaly got myself a bag. Hampir serupa dengan Lun nye bag. I saw that bag somewhere Lun. BUt didn't buy it cos takde zipper. Rasa insecure kalau takde zipper. But apparently not all my bags has zipper!

So this is my new bag. All black. Previous one was cream with brown strap. It has 2 zippers on each side. Zipper person. Yup. I believe in buying cheap bags that look good. This is one of my 'expensive' cheap bag - cost me almost $40 SGD. So you wanna know what's inside the bag? (edited picture *wink*)

Keys - my house and mailbox keys, office keys- main door and room door, office cupboard and moneybox keys. My key comes in a whole bunch cos incase of any emergency I can just use it as a weapon. My keys has been multipurpose - they are also used to open up things when I can't find scissors.

Thumbdrive - I don't usually carry thumbdrive but this has been in the previous bag cos of the work that I was doing from home. I don't know why I still carry it around in my bag. I have two of the same.. I simply can't remember where I put the other one.

National Geographic Mag - tak pernah2x beli mag nie. The cover caught my interest. The origins of life. I bought it last week tak salah. Has been reading it eversince. Tapi memandang busy tak de chance nak abiskan read the mag.

My wallet - bought by my hubby as a gift last year. Dalam tu lagi byk sampah sarap.

My coin purse - It doubles as my wallet without the sampah sarap bila nak pergi lunch. It also contains taxi receipts yg belum sempat claim from the office. Coin purse nie I bought it last year.

Payung - everfaithful payung has been with me for almost 6yrs. Rain or shine :)

Make-up bag - this interest Lun for sure. It contains compact powder, toothpaste, 2 lipliners, vicks inhaler incase hidung gatal or tersumbat or naik lif/taxi busuk, eye drop untuk bijik mata yg gatal and lip balm which sometimes I use under the lipliner or without the lipliner. Ah not forgetting my everfaithful minyak kapak. We got a whole bunch of them kat ofis. And since I am a fan, hiphiphorraylah bila dapat for free. I need this cos I get headaches sometimes. I used to get horrible ones.

Blue bag- this one has earphones for my handphone. In case nak dengar musik kat ofis.

Handphone - lupa nak ambik gambar

Tissue (used) - I'm a culprit for leaving tissues (used and unused) in my bag. Sometimes tissues help me disguise nervousness.

Notebooks - not the electronic but the paper. One is for my casenotes and the other is notes of anything like reminders, budget/expenditure, plan...

Address book- It barely contains any address or phone number in there cos I have my handphone. Entah kenapa I carry this around. Attached is a pen, convinient cos I write stuffs when I'm outside doing work.

Letters - I carry letters around cos I need to call the people to clarify or blablabla. The other piece is my dental receipts.. belum claim lagi.

Of course my everfaithful toothbrush - for my brushing frenzy. I change my toothbrush everytime I see the bristle starts to fray. However me pemalas I just dump it in my bag.

Bankbook - i've been carrying bankbooks eversince I don't know when. Cos I update my bankbook (bukannye ade byk duit) but to track my expenditure.

So that's it. Tak byk content. Kalau belum bersihkan byk khazanah kat dalam. Hmm interesting jugak now that I've re-read the entry.

apa nak update eh?

kalau fikirkan macam2x nak story tapi macam malas and tak de mood. One thing I nak put down in writing is to declare that my hubby can really spoil me. *wink*

WtL tak de macam boring gituk. I wonder what really is going on in her life. I hope she comes back soon!

ZUhri I don't have ligo's baby's pic. Belum ade kesempatan nak jumpa dia. I'm still uploading Egypt's pics.

I have zero passion for my job no new initiative by the organization has managed to restore my faith and passion for the organization or job. I have started looking for jobs long time ago and have been going for interviews. I recently applied for another one. Hoping to get out of this country too.

I should have bought the bag I saw the other day. Today maybe I go out of the office do homevisits and get me one. I've been spending as well.

Friday will be going out with my ex-colleague and anotehr one who is on maternity leave. Spending time together.

Singapore give me the creeps at night. Especially the town area. Gives me this lonely feeling and makes me feel depress.

I only have TV1 and this show on Friday Dilema Wanita is addictive. Last Week was on depression. I like Dr Fadzillah Kamsah. Passionate man Speaks from the heart.

Gotta find school for Umar. Past 2 days he's been upset if I dropped him off at my mom's violent reaction! *sigh*

tak sangka

Alhamdulillah I am happy for Ligo who has given birth safe and sound. Thanks LUN for the sms. In my busy-ness naturally i forget and became a coccoon in my own world. I am absolved in my own mess. Then I realised today when I visisted WTL's blog. She has left the blogging world. And that makes me sad. I sms-ed her coupla days back before her last 2 entries but no reply.

WTL hope u r reading this and that you are fine and in Allah's protection. Stay safe and strong. I will miss you definitely. I look forward to your return.

All my hugs, love and do'a for you my friend.

I_mshe

crap

I'm feeling crap right now. I'm feeling responsible over soemthing that has gone wrong. Although It has nothing do with me directly. Maybe I'm just feeling whatever being felt by this someone. Crap Here's my favourite face

Blonde Ambition

Kengkawan

Yesterday after a grilling my way literally in the hot sun going from house to another I've decided to spend some time at Lun's favourite place. I intentionally ensured that I finish my work early so I could catch up with myself.

Apparently myself wasn't available for me yesterday. I have long forgotten me that I had abandoned myself yesterday when I needed me most.

I wanted to get myself a bag, a working bag a bag for work that is. My current bag is failing me slowly. I had my blonde-moment when I couldn't figure out what type, size, color, texture, strap, pockets and price I want. I saw a sling bag but I thought to myself I wanted a big bag a nice cool big bag to stuff everything in. Then I thought again, I dont have much to put in just wallet, my socalled make-up bag, address books, handphone, coin pouch umbrella keys notebook and bankbooks. So I dont really need a big bag. ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHH I couldn't figure out a simple thing as buying a bag!

I ended up buying some skincare products since my skin decide to do me no-good lately. I thought its hormonal but the girl said oh its clogged pores and there are oil stuck in my pores. So I ended up buying some $165 worth of skin care stuff and got myself some freebies as well as an appointment for free make-up lessons. (my other blonde-moment)

Well the stuff was worth it cause I can see good effects from it.

But I need a bag. HELP!

i'm allergic to work

Well yeah today definitely I am allergic to work. All symtomatic reactions - sneezing, runny nose, breakouts.. gawd!

My nose wont stop running.

I'm sad neway - I have to adjust well not me but Umar too. Hubby now has to work fullday weekends. *sigh* we wont be seeing each other much.

Maybe I should just quit work?

I'm a scardy cat.

What if.....

What if you have a deep dark issue that you couldn't tell your partner?What would you do? Would you tell the truth and hurt your partner or remain in silence and still hurt your partner?

Haven't had time to load pics. Will do it soon!

I'M BACK!

Assalamu'alaikum wr wb It's 11 pm now but I'm wide awake. I'm tired but alhamdulillah happy to be back.. for blogging! Don't know if I could keep up with the rest who have been updating but I will try. It was a real motherhood challenge travelling with my son without my husband. Yeap guys just me and the little kiddo. of course i had other companions like my mom and my sis but its veryyyy different. This time I saved my bonus for a trip to Egypt. It's winter over there so it's dammn cold even with the sun out shining. When I arrived it was 16c and night time 0c - 4c. I've also learned what to prepare for a lonnng journey while on the plane. And of course it does help when there is a good sky nanny around. Lagi bagus kalau dia jambu. Sedap sikit mata memandang. And I realised also my son suka pompan jambu. susah. I think his fav. skynanny was the 1st one nama ape ku tak ingat but was a french lady. Dah lah jambu lemah lembut. I feel she epitomises what a real woman should be. Oh yeah we lost papu. *sigh* Only 1 papu came back home with us. The other is lost in the souk of Khan El Khalili. I was far more traumatise than Umar.I kept reminding him to hold on tight to the other papu. Believe or not I couldn't believe my own eyes to see that I actually lost 5kg! Well maybe because also i was punished by umar cos he wants to be carried everywhere and whereever. He was stuck to me like a leech.24/7. Other than that maybe also because yesterday i had a horrible diarhhoea vomitting and the works. Planning to get MC tomorrow. heheheh. cam tak kuasa gitu nak balik kerja. Yang kecoh was it was the African Cup hosted by Egypt. Best tgk dorang semangat kenegaraan. Tapi for me, tengok bola kat hotel.so syioK! MY horrible experience was just going there bcs of lack of experience travelling long distance with a young child. Also I can't take the high altittude/latitude/attitude??. my palms kering kontang. my lips cracked and hurt like mad. I didnt sleep for more than 24hrs. The best experience was it helped me re-practice my arabic language. tonggang terbalik tapi jalan jugak. I love the country cos it's full of history. It's Islam in your face!

The best thing about coming back is.. my husband missed me terrribly and I can see that. He lost a few kgs and he was wondering why did he ever agree to let me go without him! heheheheh well it reinforces our relationship! *wink*

Well guy it's good to be back virtually. heheheheh.

Happy New Year. Kullu 'Ammin wa antum bekhair!