Sometimes I prefer looking at the world without my glasses. Blur. It's easier that way. It relaxes my tired eyes. And its my reality. Having blur vision I trust my gut to tell me what bus is coming who is looking at me and how to find my way. With my glasses on, its the 'tinted' world that I am looking at and its staring at me. I don't want to see my scars, I don't want to see war I don't want to see hurt and pain.
So what the hell am I talking about? You maybe wondering. Coupla months ,,, may be more than a couple a colleague left the company. She's a good friend. Today I came back to the office after my course last friday and monday, I was given the same shock again. Another good colleague of mine leaving. She came back from work after her maternity leave and decides to leave. In fact she told me that when she had her baby she had already made up her mind. I already had that gut feeling that she was gonna leave sooner or later. In fact after her marriage I felt alittle insecure. I was scared she won't come back to work after her honeymoon. I am the first officially to know as her supervisor and I guess a close friend that she broke the news to verbally. In fact whatever she said became a blur to me. My head started spinning like mad. And I told her that. I was rambling nonsense I couldn't make sense of my words. My heart was broken I could have broken down and cry like a baby but I couldn't. I had to show my brave front. Of course I said the good stuff about leaving and I was honest and genuine about it.But these people are closest to me because we have the same "mind". They were one of the reasons I love saying hello in the morning in the office. I looked forward to the morning chats. I look forward everyday working with them. If only they know. They were the source of inspiration to the work.
God I feel like crying like now. What about me???? i don't have anything to look forward to at work.. friends? nil. career prospects?? nil. I am a lost soul trying to find my direction in life right now. And with all this happening where the hell am I going? She said maybe this a sign for me. That caught me for awhile. I should leave.
I took half day off I couldn't handle the day anymore. I went back home told my husband about it. I felt better after talking to him That maybe I could help him with his business and look after my son and maybe put him in school ...... suddenly everything felt right and in place. We went out had lunch having a good time .. I was 'high' on the idea of working part-time and spending more time with my son.. that maybe I could have play dates with her and her son as well as my other friend. I was mentally planning what work I should finish before tendering my resignation. As my day almost ended we were sitting down eating ice-cream.. I felt down. I felt like shit. Damn I don't care about my work right now .. all I wanna do is mop. I have no one to talk to about 'me or her' at work. Again I am losing some one dear to me. Of course I sound like a selfish idiot right now. She and the other friend help me in check with me. Confusing but this is how I am.
I couldn't stop working right now!! What the hell was I thinking. My hubby alone can't support the family! When I did the family's finances .. we'll be in a rut if I don't work.
Tomorrow morning I'll be facing my boss. She'll be reading the letter in the morning. In the evening we have 'compulsory' idiotic appreciation for some head. What about people like her??? I wanna cry. I wanna feel sad and make my sadness known to the company. Damn her,, damn to all people why leave me behind...........
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