Missing
I have this longingness for Mecca - the HolyLand
This cry in my heart wants to go back home.
Where peace and serenity co-exist at the same time.
Where my heart is at ease with this world
Where I can accept the world's maddening as it is
because where I was and where I would be
does not matter
I am one with my Master.
When will I receive my invitation again? Zuhri - your pics made my longingness far harder to carry.
One event that is familiar to us all which comes once in awhile in our course of life whether to ourselves or our close ones is death.
Death is all too familiar to me. I have experienced death, though not my own yet but the ones very close and dear to me. My father died 2 years ago in his sleep. My brothers died when I was 10 and the other when I was 23yrs. After awhile I came to a conclusion that death sort of comes around in a 10yr-cycle for me. I can't help but have morbid thoughts about death. Each death has a personalised experience, different imprint in my life.
When my youngest brother died ( I am the youngest in the family), i lost a bestfriend and a protector. My second brother came up to me that day, hugging me in front of the toilet in our old house telling me that he will protect me now. Somehow at that point in time, he knew of that role my late brother had played in my life.
When my second brother died in 1998, i lost someone whom i looked up to, one who never fear failure and consequences. Who believed that opportunities do not wait for those who sit around, that you must seek opportunities. As I was much older during the time when this death happen, I felt a sense of bleakness. That if I closed my eyes all is black and dark. So there I was on my own. I can't help feeling selfish and thinking of myself as i am the youngest.
We raced to KL from Singapore one early morning as the condition of my brother had deteriorated. We cried all along while we were on the road. My mom and dad were there at the hospital. They have been camping at a fellow relative's place. I knew I was going to lose him. Some nagging feeling told me that it is over for us.
When we reached the hospital, I remembered my dad clearly said to me in a tone full of anger, confusion and despair, "What took us so long?" Yeah we should have just taken the flight down. Stupid me. But I wasn't in charge. And this lingered in me til now. Why didnt' we took a flight down. We didnt have the money I guess. That is something safe enough for me to guess for now. Would it made the difference? Death was impending for both brothers. I was in denial. It was best for me. The hair was gone, the face was pale, the blood that was thrown up. I felt that there was more than enough time. But time was not on my side. Still I could not accept death and separation. That these persons were gone from the face of the earth. That I could no longer hear their voices. That their life has stopped and it felt that some part of mine that was interwined with theirs died along.
So when my dad passed away in his sleep, it caught me totally off guard. I was totally blown away from that news. Tuesday nite I was at the airport with the family sending off Jun to Melbourne. I was happy and just excited to be sending Jun off. On the way there in the taxi, my mom called me asking why i didn't come over to her place. I said I'm on the way to the airport. She said my dad was looking for Umar. There was a tinge of disappointment in her voice. I couldn't understand why bcs I was so self-absorbed. I said I'll come over the next day. But the next day I couldnt remember what happened. All i remember now is that I didnt turn up at the house again. My hubby had a shooting to do at the airport at 4am or so. 6.30 am I woke up for subuh. My mom called me. She said "I think ...I'm not sure but Abah dah takde". My world was gone then. I called my husband told him to come home straight. I picked my sister up from her place cos her phone line was cut. And rushed like a mad woman to the house. I couldn't accept that he had to go. Why now? Why the bloody hell that I didnt turn up the day before to the house. Why was I selfish? The days that passed by were so hard for me and the family. And I believe it is still hard for my mom. We lived by his legacy and his advice. That sort of keep him alive in us. At least in some of us. For weeks I could not accept that MY father was gone. I closed my eyes from time to time to hear his voice, see him in my mind's eye. Recalling conversations and things that we share. We were very close to each other. We have alot of things in common and we share passions and admiration for each other. I didn't know who to turn to, to help myself. I was seriously contemplating therapy.
In the end I found an online grieving support group. I joined and read newsletters and read entries by members who suffered loss and learning to survive. Life was awkward. Waking up everyday was awkward. I should just sulk until I feel better. Feeling anything even was just simply odd for me. I should just shut down for awhile. I felt guilty and I was trying real hard to appease myself. Giving myself reasons to move on. I didn't feel any better. I had to grow up now.
to be continued.....
thanks lun and ligo. I called the emergency line for the gynae. She called me less than 5 mins asked me to see her at the hospital.
Well went to the hospital basically told to rest and rest. Tapi gatal kan lepas hospital gie 'shopping' at parkway parade. at night i was tired and limp as a dead animal.
well i guess it is a blessing to leave that job. cos i guess bcs of it i was having all the cramps.
For now I'm just trying to re-organize this messy house. I think my hubby will get a headache cos i wanna buy so many things now! He might wish that i was working after all!
btw PGL is coming to SG this Nov. HOwever the stupid esplanade website does not work!!!!
24hrs ago i was working. at 4:30pm yesterday i resigned. I'm free!!! I feel like celebrating. Although there is hugggee guilt in me but i'm free. I feel like celebrating. I'm craving for geylang.
Geylang geylang geylang!!
wooo hooooo! i'll do a lun and shopping for umar! i dont feel like working at all now!! ahaks.. i might revisit this moment and think i'm crazy. but for now i'm free!!
free hugs today!
Bila nak pukul 5 nie.... ngantuk nye. I can barely open my eyes.
Umar asked me why I have to work. Why I can't come home now? Umar and daddy go hospital just now cos batuk macam nak terbalik dunia. cian dia.
we'll see what happens later.
I may have soo much time ( not that there is nothing to do) I may blog more often!ahaks!
I ate durian adelah 4 ketul last nite. 1 hr later i had coke 1/2 a bottle (the small one).. then the after taste is soo yucky it lingered even though i brushed my teeth and my tongue 3 times. I woke up this morning masih ade rasa durian!
Good thing breakfast at work was roti sadin goreng. delicious! i had 3 of them and a cup of tea.
then i realised that the keyboard is so dirty that i am cleaning with wet wipes!
Just felt that this should be the opener for a MOnday! It was on my head since morning. Now I am at work. Just for the record. It's only been 3 days at work and I'm 30mins late for work today! Today is Umar's 3rd birthday too. No celebration though. He has the cough and runny nose. I hope I didn't miss any body's birthday? I think Cekmi was it? Kak Emmy? Thought of surprising you masa kat KL I guess you surprised me when you told me you were in Singapore!
His pet fish been dying on him. Now he has 1 survivor.
How's my new job?
Everyday I can't wait for the day to be over. I dread the next day. MY workstation is the size of a pea. MOst of the space is taken by by a dinosaur monitor. The thumbdrive slot is at the back of the processor. THe processor is under the desk and I can barely bend down because of pregnancy. The office is cramp like sardine. IT is a mess!
I hate the condition, I hate almost everything about this place - even to solat is inconvinient. THe only thing I look forward to is the food. We are suppose to eat in-house. So food is fresh and nice. I cant go out shopping or take a walk cos it's far off. Basically I hate this place. I am required to work Saturdays. I just told one of them I can't work Saturdays.
I hate this place. So there you go! Oh anyway I am still not clear about my jobscope.
Umar had a field trip two days ago. He went to the airport and a farm. He came back with a bag of fishes. All excited and happy about his field trip. Two days went by 4 fished died and we have 3 left.
Just now I asked him does he want to eat lunch? He said yes.I want fish! I was laughing! He wants to eat his own pet fish!! YIPES!! Yuckyyyyyyyyy. I asked the same question and he was really serious about eathing those fish. hahahahahha.
My son Umar has been asking me for a coupla days already in fact since the day we came back from KL, he asked me "Are you happy?" A simple question it caught me off guard. The next question that came "Are you smiling?". Even in the middle of the night he would ask me this question. He asked me these questions literally everyday. Of course asking him the same question would not help. Maybe that's the counsellor in my son *wink*
He will be 3yrs next week. His question may show he is aware of my emotions which i'm kinda avoiding it. Today - this morning i sent him off for his excursion, and he didnt have a waterbottle. I felt really horrible because it'll be a long day for him. But i told his teacher about it. She said she'll give him some water. But that still didnt't make me feel better. I came home i realised that the state of my house is far in a mess than it was when i was working!
So am I happy Umar? I don't know. I am happy. I am just confused. Because I dont know what decisions to make and decision making nowadays is just not easy as it used to be. I wish am I the sort of person who just ride with the wave. But I am not. I dont want to be in a state where i have to figure out whats gonna happen next. I wanna be in control.
I dont know whether i should work, should I take on a maid, will i like the maid? what's gonna happen when the baby comes, will i be 'cheating on" my employer even though the situation wasn't what i foresee initially.
It's just too confusing for me right now.
memang tak sangka dapat berjumpa semua blogsahabats. I must thank WTL for being such a wonderful host cum co-ordinator. Thanks for taking your time to be with me and my family, wtl. I dont know how to pay you back but hehehe you and I both know I have volunteered to be your spokesperson.
I must say somethings about the sahabats
Zuhri - i segan nak berbual dgn u... ahaks.. tak tau apsal.. I honestly appreciate you coming eventhough you were tired. Sorry to hear that you had eye infection. Byk kenyit mata kot?
Cekya - You are such wonderful person! You have a wonderful personality and a good eye for everthing (ehemmm.. harap gambar kitaorang tu dah siap di-air brush.. letakkan sikit lipstick on me! ahhahahahha) Thanks to you Cekya.. really tak sangka tak termimpi dapat berjumpa dengan you.. and thanks for the effort you made. Dua kalipulak tu!
Cekmi - You are wonderful ... kesian asyik kena buli je! I honestly didnt think you were that small! ahahhahahahah. NIce tan and nice hair cut. Good sense of dressing. hahahahaha.. sempat I_mshe observe nie semua. YOu have a wonderful character and an amazing person.
Tatot - though you are known to be 'professionally' late but thanks for your presence at the dinner. Jetsetting huh! must be a workaholic!
Azell - though we hardly talk but i think Cekmi described you correctly. Paris Hilton. Sesuai. Thanks for coming. Didnt know u lived soo far... thanks really appreciate your presence.
Awan - *sigh* you look cute. Ahaks! Honestly. Take from a mother of 2! We should have sat in a round table so that we could talk more! (swear i'm not flirting!)
Lun - you should FORCE LOVEY to comeby to KL. Jump the ship! If you really tak sure can bring me and the family along!! We dont mind going to KL again!
Ligo - U2! all of us should hope on the bus and go! it'll be an expereince. p/s :nanti i update in total of the visit to Kl. sekarang tgh penat. Hope i didnt miss any1.
Apakah matlamat kita bila kita berteman?
Apakah matlamat kita bila kita berkahwin?
Apakah matlamat kita bila kita bergelar ibu?
Apakah matlamat kita bila kita memegang jawatan isteri?
Apakah matlamat kita bila kita bernama anak?
Apakah matlamat kita bila menjadi hamba?
Apakah kita menghamba? atau dihamba?
My uncle is in the hospital after an accident..things turn up worst. There is some flesh eating germs eating him up.. na'uzubillah. it was a simple accident turn worst. It is Allah's will. Now fighting for his life the docs can't do anything but wait for life or death.
I wanted to visit but my family said no due to my condition and my health. I pray that Allah help him through. Amin.
My colleague/friend had a miscarriage. Funny thing was that we were comparing tummies one time and she was wondering mine was bigger than hers. She had not gone for check-up which i advised her to go ASAP. Gynae visit didnt turn up well as gynae said something abt baby not growing. 2 weeks later, i heard she had a miscarriage and now resting at home. Allah help her. It's just sooo sad.
Apakah matlamat kita sebenarnya? Mendo'akan, menjadi penawar hidup seseorang, menjadi teman perjalanan di dunia supaya selamat sampai di Akhirat. Kita adalah insan yang menggendong ihsan - yang pada waktu ini dan saat ini kita berbakti tanpa mengharapkan balasan atau favor.
We are the change that takes effect in some one else's life.
My 1st day at home - was outside of the house. Met up with LUn and Ligo. Great lunch you guys. Ligo after kitaorang shopping i balik rumah mabuk and nauseous. Agaknya baby tak suka shopping tak? or manja nak shopping pelan2x. I thot we weren't really hyper sangat .. i didnt expect to get taht reaction.
Anyway, travel agency kata no room. I need to upgrade to get a room. Add $135 more. Hmm mula2x ingat tukar hotel. I think i shd tell me hubby just take lah i belanja the $135.
I cannt sleep. Its almost 5am. I dont think it was the mocha Ligo. I had stuffy nose suddenly and just could not sleep as I have difficulty breathing. Nak buat ape eh to get rid of this? Arrghhh.. soo irritating. nanti belum 5 or 6 mths hidung dah selonggok pulak. dah tak jambu.
Oh yeah Lun and Ligo kata next week that CELEB tu nak kawin soo kecoh lah kat KL. Sibuk ahhh.. i dont really care. But dont mind the fun kalau terserempak.
Ahh good news. WTL now beeming with happiness and maybe alittle worry lah eh? Agaknye camne nak bukak langkah seterusnya. You know I sangat setuju with mamat tu.Tapi beringat2x lah WTL. Soal hati nie. Kita let Allah guide us eventhough we have our own feelings abt it. When we let Him lead and we put our trust in Him insha Allah whatever the outcome is will be easier for us to accept. Soal hati memang complicated sikit. But it's lovely feeling rite now! I think u have byk opportunities to bukak langkah you. Just the response kena from the other party tu yang nak kena timbang. Friendly2x lah eh?
Penat ah... bila agaknya batuk nie and this hidung tersumbat nak hilang.
Ah ligo - just came to my mind. Sesuailah you jadi minah tai-tai. *wink*
I went for interview last nite.
I accepted the offer eventhough i know my heart is not in it. Am i desperate for a job? I came back home feeling sick of the whole process and just wanted to quit working ever.
I dread the 1st day. Maybe cos I had a bad experience that is clouding my judgement of the working environment. I hope and I pray that things will be better. Well I tell myself, People out there are looking for ajob and can't find one but me I didnt' look for it and it came to me.
well I hope 2 years isn't long. That's how long I wanna be there. I have made up my mind.
My concern is also what's gonna happen during my late stages and who's gonna look after the baby when it comes and just the whole juggle and confusion about childcare and household management. I just can't imagine it.
Maybe I should have stayed in my old job. Friday will be my last day. But I realised that deep in my heart I just needed a break from it.
The whole situation just killed my mood for KL. Sorry WTL.. macam malas gitu nak gi KL. I just feel like sulking and crying.
Help.
"Jarang-jarang" kata arwah P.Ramlee ........ dapat visit from Awan. :) Rasa sejukkk jap.. eh.. apa yang sejuk.. rupanya aircon! ahaks!
memang niat nak update. cos berbagai telah berlaku. antara nye:
1. soal hati vs. soal minat
Yelah. Bila soal hati nie.. susah sikit. Allah saje dapat menyelesaikannya. Jadi itulah usaha ku. Selama beberapa hari.Mungkin apa yang tak baik bagi kita adalah sebaiknya dari Allah. Mungkin ini cabaran pertama menjadi ibu kali ke-dua. Tapi rasanya Insha Allah kandungan ini macam strong person gitu. Don't know how i can form that idea but kata orang.. maternal instinct. :)
Anyway, Monday pagi ade meeting the company. Nak discuss contract agaknye. Do'akan ye? Apa yang terbaik dari Allah.
2. office colleague gue
Ingat tak kakak citer tentang teman ofis yang susah benor nak handle? dengar citer dia dah tender. Hati kecik nie jahat... ia berkata Alhamdulillah... is that the right reaction? ahaks. Can't help it. Me boss memang takut dengan dia. Tak tau kenapa. Bila I was assign to supervise dia ..memang susah.. i saw talent and potential.. tapi orang niat serong. Ingat kita nak musnahkan karier dia. Like I always say "I've got better things to do in life" and this is not one of it.
So bila dapat another boss atas kepada boss yang sama kepala otak dengan gue.. rasa lega sikit. Cos it's not me who needs to explain the nonsense. That person will show it for herself. True enough it was shown. Bertegang urat big boss and si deknie. so big boss not like other boss. firm. tak lembik macam tahu.
so in the end, the last urat tengang (alhamdulillah waktu tu umar sakit, so i was on child mc.. Allah protected me).. she submitted her resignation letter to small boss. Abih tu bila nari came back to work.. i saw ad advert for that position. Laju betul dorang nak put up advert? I asked myself.
Well we see how the drama unfolds.
3. Minat
Haritu.. ade vcd buying frenzy. Antaranya I bought, fourbrothers (excellant 'hood story). GUBRA. which I tell myself should not be compared to SEPET eventhough it is suppose to be a sequel. I like the cleric bit more than the orked bit though. I couldn't feel orked's character was developed enough. The cleric's story bit was clear and sound.
But my very favourite is "Le Grande Voyage". Should be watched by any person muslim or non-muslims. For the basic reason of human relationship and the capacity for repentance.
Yang paling tak tahan ialah mamat nie yang bernama Nicolas Cazale. His hair eyes and lips are simply delicious!!!!!!!!!! Excellant performance to Mohamed Majd. You can feel him in your fathers. and you can see your father in him. I think this movie has made it to my all-time favourite movie. I think i will look out for movies by Ismael Ferroukhi. Simply excellant!
Do watch it. You won't regret for the rest of your life.
I have been sick for the past coupla days. Thanks ligo for asking. I have completely lost my voice today. I went to work (yup was working on Saturday) without voice and I realised that I have zero energy and could barely survive work eventho it was only 3hr work. Later on today, I have to get to work in order to pass the registration list. I dont think i could work since i have completely lost my voice and my throat sakit giler all the way to my left ear. Just like how it happened the other time.
I didn't suspect my cravings i mentioned earlier were due to anything biological. Well I just found out last Wednesday that I was pregnant. No wonder the crazy stuffs. So far alhamdulillah no morning sickness. But since I found out I was pregnant I got sick. I could only eat in small portions cos I get easily filled. So un-fun to think that I love to eat. Went to Fig & Olive on Thursday with hubby cos it was his birthday. I barely could finish the 1st sandwich. And I burp alot! A lot of air/gas. So far no food appeals to me.
The only thing that appeals to me now are books! I am reading the history of Malay/Muslims in Singapore from 1819 - 1965 a series of readings. Cool stuffs! I've been smsing a few people asking what good books to read. WTL gave good suggestion. Sorry girl didn't return your call the other day. Cos Now I have no voice. Let me recover and return your call.
Gosh I wanna go to KL - is the haze bad down there? Cos I easily get breathing difficulty and cough and discomforts.
I haven't been to the gynae yet. Don't know when I'll do that though. And I'm gonna start my new job!!! arggghhhhhhhhhh!!! I guess I won't get maternity leave.
I'm pestering my hubby to get driving license. Cos now WE DO NEEd a CAR! I don't wanna go around with two kids in a taxi. It'll be soo leceh. I'm not really a stay at home person I usually like to go out eventhough for a short trip with my son. So with two kids soon, don't know how my lifestyle would change. How has it been for you Ligo? Forgot to ask LUn - when are you due? Base on my calculation I'm due in April 07. Let's hope its 070407. Cool huh!
Oh and the other thing that appeals to me are furnitures and household stuff! Went to IKEA the other day bought 2 spaghetti jars and a lamp. I'm hungry now.
Saw queen size bed for umar. I'm now not sure whther to get single with roller bed or queensize. Need to ship him out of my room. We also need to re-do the other room cos it's like my hubby's office room. Need tomake do in this small house. Although this pregnancy caught me by surprise and I was totally unprepared for it but i do hope it's a girl. I did the online gender predictor it did say it'll be a girl. So let's wait and see!When we want new challenges is truly 'new' challenges that we want? We are always presented with challenges everyday - chasing the bus, getting irritated with the taxi driver, getting cheated by the salesperson.
what is it that we want?
Today I am given a new challenge. I don't know whether I can accept this now, but may be Allah knows that it is time for this challenge. I feel it is tough but it is Allah's decision. I'm quitting my job because I wanted new challenge. Did I want this?
Allah knows best. Dear me, take care of yourself.
After my so called home visit, I sempat singgah ke IKEA. I sms-ed LIgo who called me. With specific instructions on how to get to IKEA!!!
I bought some stuff for Umar (film strip) I saw some bottles and tea sets I wanna get as well as lamp but i get it later with hubby. Bought knife, alat pembukak tin (whatchamacallit?) and frames. All $73. ouchies. yang mahal is the frame.
I thought of getting langsir. just like what ligo did ( did you?). I 'm also looking around for some1 who can sew for me cushion cover. any1??
And I sneak back into the office with my stuff. Big boss takde, small boss in her cubicle. tak notice langsung. ehehhehehe.
wonder whether i could do such things later on at the new place????????????
