This Ramadhan

I am confuse right now. My head is spinning. I can't even focus when I was praying. Past 2 days was different. To put it nicely it was Challenging. I can't imagine that I would have reached a point in life where I have to face this. I am sick of the idiot. I am sick that we are eve related! I am looking for courage. I need to save some one I love. I have to save her. But she doesn't want to be saved. How can I go on like this? How can she go on living like this? HOw can the idiot be so selffish. I want to scream and shout, cry like a mad woman for all I care! I just want to save her. My wish and desire can't be reached. All doesn't matter now. All doesn't matter now.

If I can't save her I pray that this one does not live long enough to suffer. THis is crazy but this is for her own good. Who can understand my predicament? My rage is burning but I am not allowing it to show. I am just letting it be a small flame. Arrrrrrghhhhhhhhhhhh! My head my eyes! I am hurting! My heart screams but my voice isn't heard. THis is the tug of love. I look outside the world doesn't have any meaning to me.

O Allah save us. Save her save her O Allah. Love her more than You would love the rest of us.

penat

Saturday and Sunday worked whole day. Today back at work again. Penat. Penat. Penat. Tak larat nak kerja lagi.

Nari kat my ofis 3 orang je. Tulang-tulang rasa retak seribu.

So here are my final list of preparation before hari raya

1. shoes - i'm determined to get shoes that fit!. Ye lah .. orang keturunan Cinderalla memang cam nie.

2. curtain - my dream curtain wasn't available at Geylang.

3. Ranting & vase - for the desert look

4. Tudong

5. Benang & needle - need to sew some cushion yg tertetas benang.

6. bedsheet - i have only 3 bedsheets which ihave been using and changing for the past 3yrs.

7. cat - to cover up my son's graffiti work.

For the house

1. clean windows

2. clean fans

3. put up decors

4. clean the final part of the kitchen cupboards.

5. clean floor

*penat*

back at work

Very very berat to wake up and get myself dress to work. I guess even my son knows that he has to be sent off to his grandma's house. He also didnt wanna wake up. Just kept crying for no reason. We cuddled and snuggled for awhile while I sang to him some nursery rhymes to keep him cool. Then turned on the electronic babysitter (TV) while I take my shower and get ready for work.

My baju which i bought at Angsana had a hole in it. Looks like cig butt hole. Will try to cover it up some how.

At work today, just lazing around. Hopefully I can laze around till the day ends.

My best kept sms

"Allah answers prayers in three ways

He says YES and GIVES you what you want

He says NO and GIVES you something BETTER

He says WAIT and GIVES you the BEST in HIS own time."

sms-ed by suziekabloozy 18 May 2002 1:35:14pm

In response

I have been busy that I have missed reading my commonly visited blogs.

1. Lun - you say the sweetest things on earth that even the donut I had just now can't compare to your words. They can give me gingivitis. We still have each other. You better recover also. Entah2x memang dah berisi tak? Kadang2x sign and simtoms is like diarhoea sakit perut..?????? amacam??? Go get the blue stick!
2. Kak Enig - It would really be very lovely to meet up you this Hari Raya. Let's plan for one. Kalau susah sgt let's just gather at one place. I realised that Khalis looks seposen like you and Ain duaposen macam baba dia.
3. WTL - You will be the strongest person who will come out of this situation. It is Allah's way of doing and planning things for us.
4. Cekya - I think we were looking at the same exact moon when you took that shot. Eldest especially boys memang dimanjakan when they were young and grew up to be spoilbrats and attention seekers. He'll get over it.
5. Ligo - Take care of your pregnancy.
6. Danny - all quiet.

In response to myself, what I wished for myself and tell me is

1. The courage to just quit my job. I should stop waiting for 'a good reason' to quit.
2. The courage to do things I've never done before but think that I might have some 'knack' in it. Like .. business.
3. The will to do yoga. I need to lose some major mass and relax too!
4. The courage to care and be with my son fulltime. How scary can it be?
5. Focus. I need to find my focus again.

It's my party!

First of all, thanks to the lovely people who sent me birthday wishes! Ya da best!

And so how I spent my three 'O' day? I went to Johor!!!!! Juz me and hubby! by bus! And we went to Angsana! It was my first time to Angsana! I love the mall! We spent like 5 hrs over there! They;ve got nice stuff that I started to hyperventilate! ahahahhahaha

I got myself 1 and half baju raya. Knowing me I like to perk things up with those baju. Might sew some beads and stuffs. I got this lovely serving dish! GAWD~ it's really gorgeous!! I saw many many beautiful lamps!! tapi camne nak angkut.... takde kereta. *sigh*

Boy I wish I had unlimited credit! I would have bought the whole store! Bought a patchwork quilt .. something i've always wanted for me bed from this Muslim China guy. Quite cute too! I was looking for Anuar Zain's cd .. unfortunately takde. *sigh* thought I could buy that for myself for my birthday. Oh yeah I went inside this store... this is going to be disgusting guys.. i asked the girl for anuar zain.. and just guess what she was doing! She was cleaning her armpits with a tissue through the opening of her t-shirt. YUCK! I thought she would stop cos she was serving me.. but NOOOOOOO. She continued with the other ARMPIT! YUCK!!! I didnt want to touch the cd of anuar zain that she showed me. So i left the store.. mumbling that this is not what i wanted. *phew*

Then I saw Mawi World. Tempted to buy.. tapi tak tau apsal tak beli. Got some donuts! Yummy!!! hmm what else I got.. oh yeah from there we went to kotaraya.. cos my mum kirim roti pita. We are all addicted to the roti pita. and she made kima.. so there is no way I can give her a reason that I couldnt get it. Kotaraya we prayed asar.. then went to komtar. Ah yes! Roti Pita! and idiotic me.... after the long queue i realised that i wasn't suppose to queue there for the pita. So had to go another queue. good thing it wasn't a long queue (penat byk word queue) from komtar we sneaked in to City Square eventhough we know we only have 30 mins and it was all thunder and lightening so whatever we were looking for it had to be quick! Couldn't find anything my hubby wanted.

So we took thebus back. We reached my mum's place at 6:35pm. Just in time to heat up the roti pita. Everybody (including nephews and niece) were there to buka sama2x. It was fun!

And I realised after buka puasa that I got a sore shoulder. Must be from carrying heavy stuffs. oh and i'm like way behind schedule with my hari raya preparation! yipes!

I'm off fromwork tomorrow. Got to get some stuffs still! If only i can get shoes my size. It would make it more complete.

1 week to go to my birthday

Dengan tak malunya I asked my husband (who doesn't seem to have any plans) what's for my birthday. Takde plan. Cuma bawa gie shopping je. Jadi lah.

Lun called yesterday - cian MC 2 hari. Jaga diri baik2x lah. Rehat je kat rumah.

WTL - good to see u online. Dah bebrapa hari lepas tak leh masuk ur blog. Semalam boleh alhamdulillah. Update lah.

This Ramadhan thus far filled with bits of challenges. I heard some news i didn't want to hear from hubby. Rasa terlalu sedih. He told me not to worry. Everything will be okay.

Tadi terdengar lagu ONJ (Olivia Newton John) .. yes u all would be saying shouldn't i be listening to Islamic stuff.. Yeah bukan nak kumpul pahal byk2x. But ONJ's lirik..... kalau takde orang kat office nie dah nangis giler.

Maybe I hang around here

A little more than I should

We both know I got somewhere else to go

But I got something to tell you

That I never thought I would

But I believe you really ought to knowI love you

I honestly love you

You don't have to answer

I see it in your eyes

Maybe it was better left unsaid

This is pure and simple

And you should realize

That it's coming from my heart and not my head

I love youI honestly love you

I'm not trying to make you feel uncomfortable

I'm not trying to make you anything at all

But this feeling doesn't come along everyday

And you shouldn't blow the chance

When you've got the chance to sayI love youI honestly love you

If we both were born

In anoother place and time

This moment might be ending in a kiss

But there you are with yours

And here I am with mine

So I guess we'll just be leaving it at thisI love you

I honestly love you

I honestly love you

I couldn't sleep last nite

I guess I didnt have a good Iftar experience. Or again I'm being sensitive. Or because she said she has headache. Takkan sampai tak boleh small talk kan? Khabar berita tak boleh bertanya? A certain person in the family didnt speak to me for God knows what reason eventhough I was being my nice self. Kesian my mom kadang2x.. I rasa macam servant kat rumah tu. But ShE wants to do all of it. Walaupun semalam dia bilang dia sakit dada nak bersuara dgn cucu2x. Tapi tetap dia kuatkan diri untuk siapkan makanan, buat desserts.. kita anak2x cucu2x hanya hidang saje. It's overdue I_mshe. May Allah bless mymom. I know she is ... always.

Mungkin sebab aper terjadi I couldnt' sleep last nite. I slept almost 4am. I was helping my husband with this studies .. itupun tak boleh focus. Tak de siapa nak luahkan perasaan ini.

Mungkin my status has changed... from duduk serumah to stranger. I want my mom to stay with me... dia tak nak. Dia kata longgg ago when my dad was still alive .. this was the last house she will live.

2 hari lepas dia kata she wants to balik kampung. I said go ahead. Jangan risaukan cucu2x anak2x. We will survive. Ini lah ibu eh... macam mana selagi mata belum pejam selagi tu risau, bimbang dan selalu mendoakan anak2x cucu2x. I told her make it possibility lah. Rumah kat kampung dah lama siap. Tinggal tunggu penduduk je. It's okay to be there. She finds peace there. Jiran semua boleh diharap.

Entahlah .. dunia... manusia.... kenapa begini????

I need to take a deep breath

"It's pre-Ramadhan I-mshe.. take a deep breath and relax. " Exactly what I need to do right now. Why is Ramadhan like a deadline for me? It feels like everything new starts on the first day of Ramadhan. Today I had a couple of familiar faces visiting me. Lately .. very very lately I no longer feel the sense of worth, passion and mission in my work.. I'm the lost soul sailing on the ship... with a poor captain. To top it off, we don't know where we're going. And almost everyday I feel that the time is nearing for me to end my journey. I'm abandoning ship. I don't know exactly when but I do know it is very soon. Only the familiar faces instilled in me the sense of worth in what I believe in. That I could not fail. I am amazed that they have continued faith and trust in me.

Well I don't know where this will lead but I do hope and pray it's for the benefit of those people out there ultimately.

Happy Ramadhan to all!!

I love the smell of fresh books in the bookstore.

I love the smell of rain when it pours down on the hot grass.

I love the smell of babies.

I love the smell of babies' toes.

I love cold feeling of the airport.

I love the smell of roses.

I love the sight of flowers.

I love the feeling of Ramadhan.

Something is crazy about blogger.com. The create post is not working. I realised there is no html. Anyway i was angry with the contractor. I was obviousy being cheated and I was in a state of denial. I didnt want to burok sangka at that point. I got myself a new contractor will come by the Grace of Allah on 17 Oct between 2pm-4pm with cheaper rates! I will make a police report and callup hdb on monday. To calm myself down I listen to the heavenly voice of Sheikh Mishary Alafasy. He has helped me get in touch with the neglected soul many times. www.alafasy.com