Friends?

I guess with the soon to depart fellow colleague, my brain starts to think and re-think about my position and my life. It is sad for me that due to hierarchy i am sort of the 'last' person to know. I'm not in the loop of her plan to leave. That's what another colleague said. This colleague, MS, said that due to my position that I do no know. So I shot back and said that you mean to say that my position is my disadvantage (something to that effect but I knew I used a stronger word than disadvantage). Colleagues are not friends? When you form 'friendship' during your worklife is just to pass time? That when you assume certain responsibility, 'friendship' diminish? Or maybe that term colleague does not synonymously makes them your friend? Mentally I am trying to figure out what gift to get her. I'll do that later. I guess this 'colleague not equal to friend when u attain some form of authority' bugs me. Just before going to bed just now, I realised that I dont' have friends. My husband.. he is not really my friend. He is a friend in a different way. He's not my hang-out buddy, who shares my nonsense. He is my friend in another domain. My friends are gone. They come and go. My hubby said that they are married now and it is also my fault for not making an effort to make contact and go out with them. True to a certain point. There has been many times i have thought of giving surprise gifts to my friends. But i didn't do it. He asked me " how many names you have in your handphone?" I said about 100. He said taht is alot of friends. Well they are not number of friends. Some of them are people that you bump in the streets and you were acquantaince back then, and its only 'polite' to ask for their number. The last phone number I added was about 2 weeks ago. An old friend. A school friend. Am i going to contact her? No. WHy? God knows. The awkwardness of talking. I mean i can cope talking to a person when you bump into each other. but to have a conversation over coffee or tea? I don't wanna be fake. Maybe I should take the courage and apply for a job elsewhere.Change the environment perhaps that might change to a better me. Hmm am i alone feeling like this? All this stuff about losing friends make me feel lonely .. amazingly I am not alone. Or is it this bloody country shapes one to be like that. It's sooo easy to blame other things. Tomorrow.. a new day. Hopefully my son gets well so i can bring him out and the weather loves me.