Some of you know that I have issues going on at the office. It's kinda resolve but not really the way I wanted it.The mechanism was in place but not really how I hoped things to be right now. Respect has to be earn and I know at this point in time my staff dont respect me and is being forced to do so by the powers2b. And that's now how a relationship should be in the office and I'm not that kinda person. I wish things were normal.. yes yes yes of course coupla entries back I wished that she would quit! ahahhahah but there is value in each human being and there is a reason for being. I do not question that. What ever the situation is, I'm still not happy cos it's just not the same anymore. Honestly I dread going to work everyday. It was bad when the issue wasn't resolved. Now is equally as bad. Although my sleep has improved slightly.
Saturday - I had a mission. I went to Borders bookstore. I just need to find Girl Interrupted. They don't have it. What a dissapointment. I went to Kinokuniya instead. They have 2 versions! wow! I don't know which one to get but of course I bought the cheaper one. Hmmm I have to agree with TD on this. The book is an insight on a person being committed to an instituiton, the experience, the persona at that point in time. How being institutionalized does to a person, back then diagnosis was pretty haphazard. And Ray Charles was committed there too?? for his coke addiction?? What was good was how Susanna Kaysen bluntly writes her view of people, system, politicis - the ecosystem around her. She was the eye. And you can feel and as if you can see what she was seeing. And I very much like her description of suicide, the feeling, the ending, the death, the process. it's very well articulated. I do hope to read more of her works. It's beena long time since I've had a chance to be in touch with me again.
Speaking of me - LOST. I wished WTL today happybirthday. BTW happy birthday again WTL. May Allah bless you and bestow His mercy and love to you this day and forever.
Okay back to me. WTL said that we do get into confusion sometimes in our life. I recalled what Cekmi had to go thru. Though I don't really know what he was going thru.. maybe the feeling of confusion was the same, maybe the uneasiness of confusion and lost was the same.. but the be able to reach a point of breakfree is a big relief!
So what do i know. I know I dont wanna work at this company anymore. BUT! where do I go? what do I do?
Don't u mothers out there feel confuse? I told my husband that it's different being a woman and married and having a child. The changes are just soo drastic that men cannot comprehend the feelings. They could listen and try to understand but they could never fathom. What. So we end up juggling our roles? IS that IT? What's the road for me? I don't know. May be i should just take one thing at a time. or plunge? I don't to juggle I wanna know my mission, what banner am I raising? It cannot be simple bcs this is life and I need to know my street the street I'm taking myself with confidence.
My husband said that I used to be the powerhouse girl - corporate stuff. Now I'm not all that. Where did that go? Gone the moment I had gotten marreid and had a child. NOt blaming these events but they do have a huge impact that I have lost myself.
This feels like as if I'm going thru vocal purging! ahhahahahha
Susanna Kaysen - diagnosed with borderline disorder at the age of 18 (gawd knows what that means. She was admitted due to depression) once said
"Every window of Alcatraz has a view of San Francisco".
How bad can things be?
