Money

For the past coupla weeks, I noticed, today only, that my life has been revolved around money. The lack of it that is. I couldn't get my dream sofa set which status is obsolete because they are no longer bringing in the design and of course the people around me. I guess well I know I am not being fair to certain people in my life. Not explaining myself.. taking things forgranted ..a typical human nature. But I am not blaming nature for it. I am at fault. I have to face the consequences whether I like it or not. So where do I go from here? I don't know and I don't have the answer. At this point of time, I simply wish things were the way they were before. Before my dad had died. Maybe because he had been my buffer for the things that happened in life. He had the knowledge and the answers to almost everything my brain could think of. And if he doesn't we would contemplate together and wow at the wonders of Allah. That partner is gone.My buffer is gone.Even when he was sick, I was proud of him.. for having the courage to live and face this world.. a world full of uncertainties. You can't even trust your own shadow. I have always pride myself in my father. A man brought up with the colonial in his blood but the soil is where he put his humility. A man so vast with knowledge. I guess and I don't ever know when I'll ever get over his death. I remembered those sore feelings I had for not seeing him the night before.Those feelings are guilt. They linger in me and they surface from time to time. As my father had died, I am left 'unprotected'. Maybe this is Allah's way of telling to me to grow up and face the world however and whatever the world's situation is. I don't really know how my life is going to be. Today it looked sort of grey. I am not good at adjustments. It is a fact. Most of the days my life has a tinge of rainbow at least I "feel" happy. Grey sounds too real and scary for me. Grey does not seem to understand and does not have room for flexibility. Parents- they are truly amazing beings. Only Allah truly knows who to award those title to. I'm amazed at the sacrifices at all parents have to make in order to live in this world. It seems like as if life has stopped after my father's death. And now it's just a matter of taking things day by day with no directions. I looked up to the sky just now. It does feel like a holy month. The night is beautiful. The same kinda feeling I had when I did my umrah in 98. The night has a tinge of loneliness and sadness but at the same time a peaceful calm is seeping in. I don't understand all these feelings. I feel I should repent myself for not seeing my father before the night of his death, I should accept things the way they are now. I am a person trapped in a person who is me. People don't understand death until they have known loss. I lost too many within a short 29 years of my life. Its like an interval of every 6-7yrs that I would lose some one. Loss can't be perfectly described. Loss leaves void and voidness eats you day by day and just when you think you've forgotten about it and that you have reached a certain equilibrium, it hits you. It hits you during certain times of your life. Voidness sometimes tells you to wake up and go deep to those sore wound and hold it with your bare hands. No painkillers, no morphine, no epidural, no anasthesia to hep you. Just look and hold those sore wounds bleeding in your bare hurts. They hurt.. they hurt soo bad. How do I heal these wounds? How do I make peace with myself. It's amazing how money takes me to places I've never been before in my heart. All these things unravel just because of money. People change because of money when they have it and when they don't.