life oh life oooo life

Just when i wanted to pour my heart and soul to the good ol'trusty blog, it disappeared on me. What's my password what's my password? I was thinking. Finally after a series of major sneezing and a red nose, I am finally in.

It is year end. The end of 2008. Never have I ever thought in my earlier part of life that I would live this far to see a 2 at the front and best of all it's been 8years with the 2 at the front and it will be 9 very soon. This year I crave for bags. I wanted to end the year with a small sling bag.. it didn't turn out that way. I made some crazy brave changes to my life by entering a totally different workforce and it's been 1yr plus already. Well not that I enjoyed it but i learned some essential survival skills. For once I feel that I am certainly OVER qualified for the job. And then I came to the conclusion that I asked Allah for break and I got what I asked for.

Having 2 children with two very different characters really challenge me, i fight with my inner self, i fight with my own demons. Juggling is not something I am good at and even with a year's practice I am still not good at it. At the end of the day I can't make up for the loss of time with my children, as much as I think money pays for the things they want, it cannot replace any valuable time missed and lapsed. Coupled with my indecisive approach towards life lately, it does not help that at the end of the day I feel down, worthless and worst of all a failure in my children's life. My son speaks very well but he is not excellant at writing or reading. Given how tired i could be at the end of the day, I can't help but depend on my maid while I wind down and slowly take off my working-mom-hat and quickly change to i'm-at-home and i am taking charge hat. I learned that I have become the mom who is reactive to situations. I fail to rectify Umar's phonics class issue. He ended up without any class to go to. I wasted some good months and at the end of the day he is at the losing end.

And before I know it, my daughter is dancing, twirlling like a ballerina princess, gawking at Barbie Mariposa adverts on tv, singing to tunes I can't even make of. All this at 21months. And I'm still stuck at learning how to manage her hair and fighting my post natal hair loss. And unbelievably, my son has to turn out to be an excellant big brother to his little sis.

A few days ago, I was inspired to do my Masters. Thinking that THAT was the solution and was the potion to what was lost in my life. This morning I woke up and realised that it wasn't the most practical solution. IT IS STUPID!

I hate my job but do I leave my job and hop on to another one? I honestly don't know whether it would be the right move. I do know the most practical thing to do right now is to find stability for my better half so that at the end of the day I could carve out the future of my children. and then launch myself again. I can't catch up with the world and maybe it's not my time. So be it.

So 2009, let's hope that I don't lose sight of what I want to achieve for my family. And girl forget about those Charles and Keith shoes pls... eventhough they carry your size. It doesn't do you justice.