what happened?

this is one of the most trying time of my life. On friday, I was at work, Umar at his grandma's place, nuha at home with maid and hubby went to friday prayers. Just when i tot i have finally trusted my maid, she broke my trust. Its such an emotional experience for me. She left Nuha in the house ALL BY HERSELF while she went downstairs to pick up some clothes which she dropped. Now why the hell she did that, when instructions are clear as a whistle that she cannot go down no matter what dropped be it clothes pins anything when no 1 is at home. She left my daugther my 8mths old baby alone. How did i know this? My husband came out of taxi and saw her running up. He panicked and called me to check whether my mom was at my house. Apparently no. I called him and tel him no and he should go up. He came up she quickly wen to the toilet and locked the door. He checked on nuha she was up in the crib. WHat if nuha had suffocated? Why the hell she did that?

My face was hot the whole time at work. I cried and called my mom to go to my house. My hubby told me not to react. Apparently up till today she had not confessed to what she did.

The funny thing was on thursday she called to ask permission as to whether she could go down as she dropped some clothes (come to think of it why the hell she keep droppping clothes). I said no not when no1 is at home. What's the difference , thursday and friday? Why she dare to do that!

Up till today she doesnt know that we know what happened and we are going to send her back to the agency. Re-telling this made me extremely angry. We got another maid. Hubby told me if this doesnt work no more maid. I am still angry cos anything could happen within split second.

You may not understand how i feel right now but i am faced with extreme stress and utter confusion. here i go again leaving my kids to strangers...here i go again trying to put up with their nonsense... I look at every maid with anger and distrust. Why do i subject my kids and myself to this? Why are they such great pretenders?

I looked at my friends who has maids, they change maids and move on. From my point of view it seems that work is on top of their list. Or family seems to 'getby' cos they have a maid to care for the household.

Should i abandon my current job? How doi meet alll the needs of everything current in my life now? Damn. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Would i be more a fulfilling person if i stay home and look after the kids? Earn money from home? But what do i do? What can i do?

sometimes i forget

• the beauty of femininity
• to be a woman
• to cherish my womanhood
• the power of my feminity on the other gender
• the influence of my feminity on my family and kids
• I forget that aside from my role as a mother, wife daughter sister auntie etc.. I am a woman.
• I should embrace it.

exhausted.what a good day

I had a reunion with my uni mates today. Not all of them attended but who did attend mattered most. Especially my old close pal, D. I can't imagine that it may be awkward meeting up with D after 10 years! D got married and has 2 kids. D married one of us. D and me use to hang out together. It's like where do we start piecing things together.. umm is it right in the first place even! D's wife could be having ideas.. or would she?

I always have a good time with D we talked about alot of things. One thing particular that striked me was our conversation one time at the library. D is the most hardworking and smartworking student. He would stash books somewhere so that he could have easy access to them. So we talked about marriage one day. That got me nervous at that point of time. It's not like we have something going on but D is a gentleman in the most traditional way. I don't know how to describe it but it's just D.

Well anyway we went on with our lives separately after graduation. And don't you get that feeling that you just wanna hug that person that you've known a long time. The person just click with you up there (pointing to the brain) and down here (the heart). It's like finding that old comfortable pair of socks that you've lost! Arrrrghhhhh!!!!

But noooo.... we have to keep our distance. Well at least i did for the sake of respect to him and his wife. D gave me a ride home. It was the longest ride ever. Halfway home I had headache but maintain my cool.

And you know, I know D wanted to talk to me, catch up like ol times but that could not happen of course.

Andddd... at the back of my mind, my mind was playing with the idea ...what if something had went on with us.... hmmmmm.....

whats new

I read in Babycenter that at 7mths your baby will attempt to lick the mommy or the daddy that is the way of showing affection. Just last week nuha sucks my cheeks! haahhahah soo cute.. nowadays bukan saje nak update blog takde masa.. dah malas lak. tapi ade hati nak start a new hobby which is scrapbooking. senorok dgr wtl berscrapbooking. hmm i mite make a mess of things. now at home mc for today cos umar sakit. and salah bantalll aduhhhhh sakit leher. plans to KL next week for the family not confirm. Hubby confirm going but its work for him. *sigh*