I need something to calm me down. That good ol i dont know what it is....I need that good ol something to make me feel that everything will settle down and it will be alrite

Utter Loneliness

been running around like a mad woman lately. been sleeping late and getting restless sleep. Last nite sent my sister off to uae. and today i was still running around running errands for her, pick up my nephew's stuff to transport to my house. I looked outside look up the sky at 9.30pm its dark blue and I felt lonely. It's not that i dont have any1 else but there is this emptiness inside. Gone are my daily ramblings and smsses to her. Things take on a diff form now.. as in our relationship. And my poor mother, she cried like as if she lost another child, her bestfriend. I wish i just drop everything and dedicate my life to her. Allah makes us stronger Insha Allah. This and many times in my life that money, having it or not having it, it doesnt matter to me. How can i bridge that gap of loss and loneliness for her. What words can I say to comfort her? I wish she would listen to me some time....

marah dan kecik hati

that's what i'm feeling now. is this what i have to go through? accussed of abandoning my own cos she wants the maid? do i have the choice? i'd rather her be happy and let her settle down? am i less of a mother? dont be too quick to judge.i know the whims and fancies of my own children rather my own maid or husband and u can bet on it. and he is quick to dismiss it when i turn around and point it back of the accusation. NO that's not what i mean... then what u mean? I know you too well i know your patterns of argument.. HELLOOO I'm well taught in this area...dont try to play with me...

bingung

In a state of kebingungan... dont know what to do ... what decision to make....by next week i will lose my sister... she moving to uae.. and i'll be all alone... tak tempat nak ngadu...

Hidup Baru - Khas buat Wa

Memang susah.. setiap kali baca blog Wa mesti sama2x air mata melinang. Kata2x yang mendalam sungguh bermakna perasan lahir dari jiwa khas untuk Ibuk yang tercinta. Memang tak ada gantinya.

Wa - memulakan hidup baru bukan senang... tak pelah ambil masa nie untuk merindui Ibuk dan merasakan kehilangan Ibuk. Jaga diri baik2x iye?

Takde yang lebih berharga dari ibuk kan? Jadi jagalah Ayah sebaiknye.

Salam sayang

Chita.

0534

it's not easy reading a fellow/former? friend's blog without feeling a sense of betrayal not to me but to life. How could you go to that extreme? On a brighter note, it reinforces my love for my own kiddos.

Nuha had a bad fall. Scratched of her left part of the face. Had a big knot on her forehead, cuts and bruises on eyebrow eyelid low lid and cheek. Ouch!! I cant help but have a continuous sense of regret overflowing.

I found a site called kiasusingapore, talking about education. Apparently i live no where near a school. Nearest is a chinese ed school, the school i have chosen for my son is 3.1km. I stand no chance of putting him in that school. I also learned that i am late with the volunteering bits. To my fellow Malaysians or any none singaporean reading this, its a crazy system. It's as a good as you have to abandon work in order to send your child to a school. The site explained clearly the various phases of registration. I guess I will just choose 3 of a school beyond 3km range and hope for the best.

Pressure? No. Stress? Yes. Crazy? YES!

life oh life oooo life

Just when i wanted to pour my heart and soul to the good ol'trusty blog, it disappeared on me. What's my password what's my password? I was thinking. Finally after a series of major sneezing and a red nose, I am finally in.

It is year end. The end of 2008. Never have I ever thought in my earlier part of life that I would live this far to see a 2 at the front and best of all it's been 8years with the 2 at the front and it will be 9 very soon. This year I crave for bags. I wanted to end the year with a small sling bag.. it didn't turn out that way. I made some crazy brave changes to my life by entering a totally different workforce and it's been 1yr plus already. Well not that I enjoyed it but i learned some essential survival skills. For once I feel that I am certainly OVER qualified for the job. And then I came to the conclusion that I asked Allah for break and I got what I asked for.

Having 2 children with two very different characters really challenge me, i fight with my inner self, i fight with my own demons. Juggling is not something I am good at and even with a year's practice I am still not good at it. At the end of the day I can't make up for the loss of time with my children, as much as I think money pays for the things they want, it cannot replace any valuable time missed and lapsed. Coupled with my indecisive approach towards life lately, it does not help that at the end of the day I feel down, worthless and worst of all a failure in my children's life. My son speaks very well but he is not excellant at writing or reading. Given how tired i could be at the end of the day, I can't help but depend on my maid while I wind down and slowly take off my working-mom-hat and quickly change to i'm-at-home and i am taking charge hat. I learned that I have become the mom who is reactive to situations. I fail to rectify Umar's phonics class issue. He ended up without any class to go to. I wasted some good months and at the end of the day he is at the losing end.

And before I know it, my daughter is dancing, twirlling like a ballerina princess, gawking at Barbie Mariposa adverts on tv, singing to tunes I can't even make of. All this at 21months. And I'm still stuck at learning how to manage her hair and fighting my post natal hair loss. And unbelievably, my son has to turn out to be an excellant big brother to his little sis.

A few days ago, I was inspired to do my Masters. Thinking that THAT was the solution and was the potion to what was lost in my life. This morning I woke up and realised that it wasn't the most practical solution. IT IS STUPID!

I hate my job but do I leave my job and hop on to another one? I honestly don't know whether it would be the right move. I do know the most practical thing to do right now is to find stability for my better half so that at the end of the day I could carve out the future of my children. and then launch myself again. I can't catch up with the world and maybe it's not my time. So be it.

So 2009, let's hope that I don't lose sight of what I want to achieve for my family. And girl forget about those Charles and Keith shoes pls... eventhough they carry your size. It doesn't do you justice.

kebodohan

I previously uploaded pics of the family on multiply and old pics on flickr. what I didnt know is that cant re-save it to like say a thumbie and print d pics! Bodoh kan!

I Dont Know How Love Came About

I don't know how love came about

Is it when in the middle of the nite

When I had to wake up to the cries

for milk and wet pampers

I don't know how love came about

Is it when I cannot sleep or eat

tending to you

I don't know how love came about

Is it when you were sleeping

and looking at you brings hope for a better day

tomorrow

I don't know how love came about

Is it when you were playing

and you simply amaze me with the things you do and say

I don't know how love came about

Is it when I knew I was carrying you in the belly

and I didnt' know how you look like or you might be

but I had already loved you anyway

I don't know how love came about

Is it when I had hours of contractions

and had to go under the knife

to bring you to life

and it didn't matter if I had to go anyway

I don't know how love came about

But I'm sure am glad you are my children

any which way...

Love you both lots!

INDECISION

SK suggested i blog abt my indecision.. i was thinking to myself *duh*.. shoulda done that. But firstly, i must blog about my October. It's been a trying October. All of us been sick.None stop.Berbalik. Made me about alot of think. The whole world stop and the whole world just closed down in on me. Bcos by default as a wife, it's all on you - the wife. You are the healer, the doctor, the mother, the comforter, etc. And in the midst of all that, you have to juggle work. Damn.. heck care about work. Which i did. I was freaking out bcos i m not reaching my target this month. It's pathetic. It's like I didnt work there for the whole month of October. Oh yeah that's rite, I wasn't really working during the month of October. I just do a peeakaboo at the office and run back home. Lun - thanks for the suggestion. Yes i have to think about it. I am hoping that's its a childhood thingy. It definitely inherited.

AND in the midst of all that - my handphone dilemma. I thought of being a bit more adventurous... go out of my comfort zone.. went out and bought a Sony Ericsson W910i Hearty Red. WOW! RED! i was thinking to myself! I bought myself a colored handphone! Then the phone started giving me problems. It wasn't working for me! Had to send it in for repair and this was only the 1st month of using it. I used for like hmm 4x or so i've decided to give it up. NOW - here is the problem. Going back to Nokia is not so easy now. I've lost touch with the Es the Ns and the Numbers. Ok Nokia education E is business, N is for music. Numbers are traditional stuff no hanky panky. Alrite I want something not so traditional bcos i wanna 'upgrade' however I cannot stand multiple menus, which what Es have. And I'm not really a musicky-downloader person - so buying an N doesn't really make sense. However I tell myself I MUST STICK with NOKIA!

So what did i end up with? Reading a million reviews on the most uppity recent designs. I narrowed down to E71 (which SK has) and E66 which is the 'kinder' version of E71 but has so-so reviews due to the battery's short life. E66 not qwerty, E71 qwerty. then I was thinking ... the qwerty's really small, my fingers don't fit the buttons.. how? E71 is sleek and fits nicely in my palm.My fingers can stretch to all the buttons... cos i'm a one hand sms-er.BUT i realised E71 is 2-handers. Aiyahh so leceh. E66? looks like it has a small screen. I like both make, sleek slim and sturdy.

Well i stil can't figure out which one to get... (dah ngantuk...)

stress

yes i stress. in fact this whole month is kinda 'bad' month for me. Kids sick me sick hubs sick. now hub sick but stil not too bad. now nuha sick.. very sick... so stressd i cried...Ya Allah take the sickness away from her and grant her health back.AMIN!

dah lama

dah lama.. tak berblogging. sampai lupa log in and password!!!! yipes!

Saturday... buat apa i_mshe?

1. work... so unethical of me....

2. soft rocking... it's been some time...Mr Big, Warrant etc

3. Teaching Bahasa Melayu to my son.. YIPES!

4. My proposed free speech at Hong Lim Park - Mother Tongue for P1 optional! (wakakkakaka)

apa2x je

never in my life, my skin just turn real bad. oh! signs of aging.. ye. Tompok (tak pakai SPF), rough and itchy (allergic to dust). i live in construction area. damn!dulu zaman muda sikit takde masalah. apa jeee citer kat ofis.. masalah warna...appraisal gua tak bagus.. ahaks! realiti i_mshe realiti!2tahun contrak?.. hmmm tgk ah camne eh.... Semoga Allah beri kekuatan kesabaran dan melindungi ku dari bahaya manusia dan syaitan! AMIN!!!

I_mshe did that disappearing act!

Don't know whether any one every came by to this blog, but I have decided to make an effort on my day off to blog. I must apologise to fellows in KL for not being able to meet up and apologise to fellow friends in SG for not being able to meet up with Jun.

We went to Sunway Lagoon. Will post some pics later. We love it and will not mind coming back again. Miss KL already. Giler mungkin... that maybe part of my life has to be in KL. I realised KL gives me a good getaway from SG. It's similar to SG but it has its unique character.

Now i'm plain exhausted. Glad I had the right mind to take today off cos we arrived late at 10pm last nite.

I'm still in search for Kebarung......

Mana I_mshe nowadays eh?

Tanya Lun. Jawapannya .......

1. I_mshe asyik sakit sebenarnya. Bukan saje anak2x asyik sakit dgn pneumonia (Umar) Nuha yang dah batuk selama sebulan. I_mshe pulak asyik dok donate duit gaji pat doc since January 2008.
2. Apa tindakan I_mshe? Selain I_mshe boleh dikategorikan sebagai peserta jalan cepat (yang gelek2x tu...), byk jugak I_mshe makan sayuran dan buah2an. Kurus ke I_mshe tak ah :) Tembam lagi ade.. buncit! hahahah
3. 2 gigi - Nuha dah ade 2 gigi sebelah bawah. Sengeh tak berenti
4. Umar - dia telah buat keputusan muktamad tak nak rambutnye digunting. Selain dari air mandi tak telus bila nak cuci rambut, kerinting bulat dan kasar seolah dibawak ke salon rambut! hahahahha.. Umi dan daddy nye simpan dendam nak gunting rambut hari sabtu atau ahad kelak
5. Amacam.. I_mshe attempt blog bahasa melayu! wooohooo

thanks for your support, Lun. In all your lunacy, your are sensible.

sense of relief - these few days been at home.. kinda 'practising' the idea of being fulltime mother part-time worker. In a sense also it was a blessing that I raised the issue up. After that I started thinking. It's a projection that perhaps in 6mths time or so I would see myself working part-time if they allow me that is. Otherwise,, it'll be otherwise.

I came out with a healthchart which I hope will track health condition as well as medicine taken. Hopefully I could see something too. I guess for the kids nothing beats having mommy at home. And that is great.

pneumonia - that's what got in umar. Other than 'kena mata'. Which is a direct reminder to me to be a better parent. he too been sick since i can't remember. I may come out with a sick chart. What u think?

me - sick for past 1mth. had 4 doses of antibiotics, but nothing seems to work. although am sick, i am tempted to shop, seems to be in need of alot of things.

me, work - i have flashed the idea to my supervisor about going part-time. Can i take it back??? soo scared noww....

tooth - nuha has her 1st tooth! one cute on at the bottom. but don't mess with her now. She bites and eats everything! Kinda reminds me of me! ehhehe and the plural subject - teeth got mine fixed 3 pieces. arggh!

hubby - sick on and off.. is the weather or something?

maid - seems to be better health than the rest of us. Alhamdulillah.. then can help take care of the kids. ah if i go part-time we need to let her go. argggh.. can we keep her for awhile longer hubby?? pleassseee

*cough*cough*cough*cough*cough*

kenapa eh.. why am i penakut atau cautious atau tak confident? whatever it is.. i have not crossed to that side and i fight with myself everyday...

• the chicken fettucine didnt turn out right. Burnt within a few secs when i turned to pick up nuha and passed to daddy. argh! i was soo upset till now i feel out of sort.
• hmmm... not that i follow US presidential movement.. however whoever incoming would shape the directions of world's politics and issues.
• I read in the papers Today if i'm not mistaken, some guy said why should we be concern abt the future and we are not addressing current issues like poverty. let's the future generation worry abt future issues.Oooo tough stand .. i think poverty and any current issues that we face in our generation will continue into the next generation with toppings. On a micro level, family that is .. I wonder and fear how am i going to do the 'right' things for my kids.. son will be in school..a real school now.. pressure is on... in 2yrs. 3yrs of pre-school education went on just like that.. that swift. Am I on the right track? Will I be able to protect him wil he survive the world?
• 1st day of school came back home with a bump on the forehead. some kid knock him on the head. Daddy went to school to address the issue. I'm thinking to myself ..this is just the beginning.. more issues to come.. will he be strong for himself? He is sick again. Cough with phelgm. Will he 'outgrow' this one? Wednesday, hospital appointment. Maybe I should just quit, stay home look after him, not like i'm not doing it right now...here i go again, ding dong-ing back and forth.. war with myself. I'm reading Chicken Soup for the working Mum to keep me ..umm... in check? I don't know. Sometimes it made me feel good sometimes it made me feel bad.