i feel my head is not on my body. I feel disoriented. Hubby said we should be thankful we have jobs. Don't complain. Just bear with it.

grumpy

It's a Sunday, we're planning to go out as soon as Nuha wake's up. Umar's has been changing shirts, the one that he is putting on is his 3rd shirt.

Me : Why did you take off that shirt? (pointing to the previous one)

Umar : Cos that shirt is grumpy.

!!!!!!!!!

The animated Umar and that's me in him!

can't depend on people. got to survive on your own. asking help is like ..ummm its like the most horrible thing to do. but the other party can. no problem. me cannot.

TIME for a holiday. Pulai Springs. hmmmm... *dreaming*

SLOW is an understatement.

running. it's not really something i was fond of. but i ran. "run forest, run!". I ran to catch the bus. with 2.5 inch heels. tempted to take it off and run barefoot. thankfully. kind driver stopped and waited for me. Thank you thank you soo much. Now, i won't be late for work.

In spite of the fact that life has been hectic messy and i swear my eyeballs could drain from my eyes.. it's been quite okay actually. Maybe the support from hubby who took off for the week. Yes im bloody stressed up. and many times i'm at constant war with myself. Then the kids 'decide' to fall sick, how can life get any better than this for a working mom?

Thankfully its Saturday. And i'm gonna take it as it is.

Yes I may think of quitting work or probably work from home with whatever I can do. Yes I will risk losing lots of financial gains, income stability perhaps it can work afterall?

I have to find the steps as to how i'm going to achieve that and take the courage. What else can i do besides what I do? I dont know. I do best what I do now. Being a messy mom.

what happened?

this is one of the most trying time of my life. On friday, I was at work, Umar at his grandma's place, nuha at home with maid and hubby went to friday prayers. Just when i tot i have finally trusted my maid, she broke my trust. Its such an emotional experience for me. She left Nuha in the house ALL BY HERSELF while she went downstairs to pick up some clothes which she dropped. Now why the hell she did that, when instructions are clear as a whistle that she cannot go down no matter what dropped be it clothes pins anything when no 1 is at home. She left my daugther my 8mths old baby alone. How did i know this? My husband came out of taxi and saw her running up. He panicked and called me to check whether my mom was at my house. Apparently no. I called him and tel him no and he should go up. He came up she quickly wen to the toilet and locked the door. He checked on nuha she was up in the crib. WHat if nuha had suffocated? Why the hell she did that?

My face was hot the whole time at work. I cried and called my mom to go to my house. My hubby told me not to react. Apparently up till today she had not confessed to what she did.

The funny thing was on thursday she called to ask permission as to whether she could go down as she dropped some clothes (come to think of it why the hell she keep droppping clothes). I said no not when no1 is at home. What's the difference , thursday and friday? Why she dare to do that!

Up till today she doesnt know that we know what happened and we are going to send her back to the agency. Re-telling this made me extremely angry. We got another maid. Hubby told me if this doesnt work no more maid. I am still angry cos anything could happen within split second.

You may not understand how i feel right now but i am faced with extreme stress and utter confusion. here i go again leaving my kids to strangers...here i go again trying to put up with their nonsense... I look at every maid with anger and distrust. Why do i subject my kids and myself to this? Why are they such great pretenders?

I looked at my friends who has maids, they change maids and move on. From my point of view it seems that work is on top of their list. Or family seems to 'getby' cos they have a maid to care for the household.

Should i abandon my current job? How doi meet alll the needs of everything current in my life now? Damn. You're damned if you do and you're damned if you don't.

Would i be more a fulfilling person if i stay home and look after the kids? Earn money from home? But what do i do? What can i do?

sometimes i forget

• the beauty of femininity
• to be a woman
• to cherish my womanhood
• the power of my feminity on the other gender
• the influence of my feminity on my family and kids
• I forget that aside from my role as a mother, wife daughter sister auntie etc.. I am a woman.
• I should embrace it.

exhausted.what a good day

I had a reunion with my uni mates today. Not all of them attended but who did attend mattered most. Especially my old close pal, D. I can't imagine that it may be awkward meeting up with D after 10 years! D got married and has 2 kids. D married one of us. D and me use to hang out together. It's like where do we start piecing things together.. umm is it right in the first place even! D's wife could be having ideas.. or would she?

I always have a good time with D we talked about alot of things. One thing particular that striked me was our conversation one time at the library. D is the most hardworking and smartworking student. He would stash books somewhere so that he could have easy access to them. So we talked about marriage one day. That got me nervous at that point of time. It's not like we have something going on but D is a gentleman in the most traditional way. I don't know how to describe it but it's just D.

Well anyway we went on with our lives separately after graduation. And don't you get that feeling that you just wanna hug that person that you've known a long time. The person just click with you up there (pointing to the brain) and down here (the heart). It's like finding that old comfortable pair of socks that you've lost! Arrrrghhhhh!!!!

But noooo.... we have to keep our distance. Well at least i did for the sake of respect to him and his wife. D gave me a ride home. It was the longest ride ever. Halfway home I had headache but maintain my cool.

And you know, I know D wanted to talk to me, catch up like ol times but that could not happen of course.

Andddd... at the back of my mind, my mind was playing with the idea ...what if something had went on with us.... hmmmmm.....

whats new

I read in Babycenter that at 7mths your baby will attempt to lick the mommy or the daddy that is the way of showing affection. Just last week nuha sucks my cheeks! haahhahah soo cute.. nowadays bukan saje nak update blog takde masa.. dah malas lak. tapi ade hati nak start a new hobby which is scrapbooking. senorok dgr wtl berscrapbooking. hmm i mite make a mess of things. now at home mc for today cos umar sakit. and salah bantalll aduhhhhh sakit leher. plans to KL next week for the family not confirm. Hubby confirm going but its work for him. *sigh*

Some days I hate my maid. not hate "hate". I guess deep inside I am well aware of my dilemma. The juggle the struggle. Am I alone feeling like this? I hate her for sucking up to me. I hate her for eating our food. I hate her for using the water I hate her carrying my daughter. I hate her for preparing food for my kids. I hate her for cleaning the house. You see, I don't think one can ever achieve a employer-employee relationship for the fact that the employee have to co-exist in your house. In YOUR Room, In your storage, In YOUR FACE! ALL THE TIME! I even hate her talking to me. Some times I just walk by not listening. OR I intentionally avoid being in her way. Crazy you tell me.

Call me paranoid I checked the trashcan just now. What did she eat? Sneaking in the kitchen. Isn't she my employee? SHouldn't she be askign permisssion? Where do I draw the line? Or is it okay that she eats anything in the fridge? Or the fact that she lives in this house allows her to eat anything. Open fridge take out butter and peanut butter. Take butter knife and bread. Make milk and honey. Sit down and eat quickly and perhaps happily at her snack. Then quickly go to the toilet. wash up then go to sleep? Am I freaky????

I am thinking of getting rid of her. Why?

- her existance irks me. I look forward to her out of the house every Sunday. In fact I can't wait to hear the sound of the door open at 7:30 am in the morning when she leaves home.

- her 'dumbness' irks me.

- her carelessness tests me.

- her selfishness dumbfounded me.

- her fear of hunger amazes me. Is it that BAD where you come from?

Honestly is she of any help at all?

basic very basic care. Iniative perhaps 10% of the time? if you don't tell dont do even though its right in front of her eyes. Is she of any help at all? may be sometimes. Yes she cleans the house iron clothes, hang wet ones out, handwash the delicates. IS SHe of any help at all? Yes she is. In some ways. She feeds the kids. I honestly think her attention is more to nuha than umar. Is she of any help at all? Sometimes.

I have no obligation towards her and I don't feel guilty.

been busy

Never has my Ramadhan been this busy. Kids and hubby sick. Eversince I started working 3 weeks ago i barely attend a full week at work. I feel guilty and i feel like bailing out. This also means I haven't had the chance to do my Raya shopping. Even for my maid, I tell her that she has a choice whether to keep the money which I will give her later as Hari Raya money or buy new clothes. But she has to go by herself. No time. My pintu gate dah teruk. Can barely open the gate. So I had to get a new one. They are fixing it this Saturday. (Argh there goes another Saturday). It really does feel like im running out of time.

My poor son, Umar while I was busy and stressed out tending to daddy (cos daddy was having a real nasty fever that didn't wanna go down) he did his homework ALL BY HIMSELF! I'm sooo touched and I'm amazed that he knew what to do all by himself even wrote his name on every page!

He's the sweetest boy on earth! I can't imagine how beautiful his character is. He is really has been pleasing. Alhamdulillah i'm soo happy for have a son like him. Nuha has been the jumping baby. It's like I ate jumping beans while I was pregnant.

You know looking at the kids make wanna have 1 more. But ummmmm lemme have a long hard thinking first!

kalau tak kerana wtl, tak sempat nak update pun!

okaylah kengkorang.

THE RULES:

1. Each blogger must post these rules first.

2. Each blogger starts with eight random facts/habits about themselves.

3. Bloggers that are tagged need to write on their own blog about their eight things and post these rules. At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

4. Don't forget to leave them a comment telling them they've tagged, and to read ur blog.

1. I'm an impromptu person. I get the rush from doing things impromptu especially when it has to do with planning or coming up with ideas for events.

2. I like to think that I am different. Being a libran I AIM TO STAND OUT.

3. I've always wanted to do more in life but sometimes i stopped short. This happens with many things.

4. I don't like to ask for directions unless i'm in a hurry. I like to discover it myself.

5. I discovered that I can be pushy when i exercise my pushy buttons. Otherwise I've always known myself as lilmissnice.

6. Sometimes I dread wearing size 10 (shoes that is)

7. I love flowers and I love giving people flowers (however they must enjoy receiving it in order for me to enjoy giving .... huh???). In fact its part of my retirement plan .. to set up a florist

8. I love soft cookies!

Im sucha busy momma!

Last few weeks i've been busy with interviews. I've told by my own sister that it seems my brain has decayed ever since i last worked. I truly agree with her. Sometimes i suffer wordlessness and i can't seem to express myself coherently. And to switch malay to english and english to malay when I need it i would come to a stump.

Anyway All praises are due to Allah who has helped me throughout my unemployment period. He has allowed me the time to be more with my family and to get to know them even better. I can't imagine how work has taken away soo much of knowing my own flesh and blood and my loving husband. What more He had helped through the period of uneasiness by settling in comfortably in my role as a mother. In addition I did not forget my role as a sister and a daughter. I sense my mom's delight when she summoned me to go out with her. She must feel i've never been this mobile in my entire relationship with her.

I've kissed my kids numerous times a day, smell their sweaty head, bite their meaty arms, tickle and wrestle with Umar and babble along with Nuha. Going back to work next Monday will make me miss my time with my love ones. I wished there is two of me. Occassionally this fear would sneak in me - that my daughter would love my helper more than me. That she smells her more than me. I am glad that my workplace is literally a walking distance. I could sneak back home and sneak kisses and hugs and love to my daughter and hurry home at 6 for me to hug my son. I have told my husband that I don't want to work (no matter how badly decayed my brain would be) that may be I would want to work part-time only. I can't help but cry right now in pain of eventually leaving my children to my helper and Pray to Allah to look after them. And I know they will miss me as much as I miss them.

Any mother would have gone from sanity to crazy and sanity and crazy again for having to leave their kids behind to work!

My current craze and I might wanna subscribe to it too!

When I was just a child

• I see all things as living things, as having life to it. That you would hurt the spoon if you put in the hot gravy.
• I talked to snails. (Last check, I talked to snails about 3years ago)
• I had a car when other kids have bike. In fact I think this is the first toy they ever bought for any of their children.
• I figured that if I comb my hair to the left or right, it would help the hair on the other side grow. I believe in giving chances even to my own hair.
• I thought that if I put baby powder on my eyelids it would enhance my eyes. That's my eyeshadow.
• That if i eat Benson's sweets and like my lips with it and let the sticky stuff remains, that'll be my lipgloss.
• That if I put powder on the floor in the living room, that would be my skating arena.
• Some of my favourite toys was my dialphone, green soldiers figurine, saga seeds, magnets and a ball.
• That if i tie two curtains together it would become a swing.

How lovely!

tired and let me kick my own butt

Take a break

I think this will be my favourite entry. It's because things like these will only remain as memory and maybe the future generation will not be able to appreciate such existance especially in such a cosmopolitan country like singapore. Where else can we find serenity, idllyic getaway close to the Creator.

I went to an old part of Sembawang just the other day. Years ago when I visited this inner part of Sembawang, there was an old surau sitting on stilts. I didn't get a chance to capture that in picture. The mosque was like a fishermen's port. There were evidence of seashells embedded on the soil all the way leading to the surau. The surau was still surrounded by kampung houses. Just next to it was early signs of development. Trucks and cranes busily doing what they were suppose to do.

But when I went to the site the other day, it was all semi-detached houses - what use to be the surau on stilts.

Not so far down in a little corner next to Sembawang Park, drive in thru the semi-detached houses where the formerly known Kampung Wak Hassan used to be. Wak Hassan's name are now mere road signs. Wonder who was Wak Hassan. I heard the land is a wakaf land. So when you drive in thru the semi-detached houses you will suddenly overcome by a small road barely tarred, but its cleanliness and the idllyic feeling will take you away breathless. I have heard of this name numerous times. Never thought I will encounter it this way.

It was a clean plot of land and I learned that the former kampung residents still comeby for Jumaat prayers and I'm sure Ramadhan and Eids are just as magical as what I can imagine.

Here are some pictures to share because i don't know how long the mosque committee will win the war against urban development. In many ways things looks like its going against them. Just a few kilometres is a mosque in the urban jungle thriving with activities.

The front of the mosque

The cute lil' reban ayam

The fruit of labour

warning!

I can't imagine that Pasir Gudang is literally a stone's throw.

An evidence how long this mosque has been around. Compare it with the signage at the top. Look at the postal code. One of the rarest road signs still left in Singapore. Please don't take it out or refurbished it.

Ah well! This calls for heritage preservation. How many Malay kampungs and landmarks has been demolished to make way for development?

hari ini

My interview is today at 3pm!!! they just called this morning.arrrrrrrrrghhhhhh... *palpitation*

I'm meeting Cekmi for lunch later with lun, ligo(??) and cekmi's fren! I tot sempat gi Arab st beli tudung. i guess i have to make do with what i have!