Im sucha busy momma!

Last few weeks i've been busy with interviews. I've told by my own sister that it seems my brain has decayed ever since i last worked. I truly agree with her. Sometimes i suffer wordlessness and i can't seem to express myself coherently. And to switch malay to english and english to malay when I need it i would come to a stump.

Anyway All praises are due to Allah who has helped me throughout my unemployment period. He has allowed me the time to be more with my family and to get to know them even better. I can't imagine how work has taken away soo much of knowing my own flesh and blood and my loving husband. What more He had helped through the period of uneasiness by settling in comfortably in my role as a mother. In addition I did not forget my role as a sister and a daughter. I sense my mom's delight when she summoned me to go out with her. She must feel i've never been this mobile in my entire relationship with her.

I've kissed my kids numerous times a day, smell their sweaty head, bite their meaty arms, tickle and wrestle with Umar and babble along with Nuha. Going back to work next Monday will make me miss my time with my love ones. I wished there is two of me. Occassionally this fear would sneak in me - that my daughter would love my helper more than me. That she smells her more than me. I am glad that my workplace is literally a walking distance. I could sneak back home and sneak kisses and hugs and love to my daughter and hurry home at 6 for me to hug my son. I have told my husband that I don't want to work (no matter how badly decayed my brain would be) that may be I would want to work part-time only. I can't help but cry right now in pain of eventually leaving my children to my helper and Pray to Allah to look after them. And I know they will miss me as much as I miss them.

Any mother would have gone from sanity to crazy and sanity and crazy again for having to leave their kids behind to work!

My current craze and I might wanna subscribe to it too!

When I was just a child

• I see all things as living things, as having life to it. That you would hurt the spoon if you put in the hot gravy.
• I talked to snails. (Last check, I talked to snails about 3years ago)
• I had a car when other kids have bike. In fact I think this is the first toy they ever bought for any of their children.
• I figured that if I comb my hair to the left or right, it would help the hair on the other side grow. I believe in giving chances even to my own hair.
• I thought that if I put baby powder on my eyelids it would enhance my eyes. That's my eyeshadow.
• That if i eat Benson's sweets and like my lips with it and let the sticky stuff remains, that'll be my lipgloss.
• That if I put powder on the floor in the living room, that would be my skating arena.
• Some of my favourite toys was my dialphone, green soldiers figurine, saga seeds, magnets and a ball.
• That if i tie two curtains together it would become a swing.

How lovely!

tired and let me kick my own butt

Take a break

I think this will be my favourite entry. It's because things like these will only remain as memory and maybe the future generation will not be able to appreciate such existance especially in such a cosmopolitan country like singapore. Where else can we find serenity, idllyic getaway close to the Creator.

I went to an old part of Sembawang just the other day. Years ago when I visited this inner part of Sembawang, there was an old surau sitting on stilts. I didn't get a chance to capture that in picture. The mosque was like a fishermen's port. There were evidence of seashells embedded on the soil all the way leading to the surau. The surau was still surrounded by kampung houses. Just next to it was early signs of development. Trucks and cranes busily doing what they were suppose to do.

But when I went to the site the other day, it was all semi-detached houses - what use to be the surau on stilts.

Not so far down in a little corner next to Sembawang Park, drive in thru the semi-detached houses where the formerly known Kampung Wak Hassan used to be. Wak Hassan's name are now mere road signs. Wonder who was Wak Hassan. I heard the land is a wakaf land. So when you drive in thru the semi-detached houses you will suddenly overcome by a small road barely tarred, but its cleanliness and the idllyic feeling will take you away breathless. I have heard of this name numerous times. Never thought I will encounter it this way.

It was a clean plot of land and I learned that the former kampung residents still comeby for Jumaat prayers and I'm sure Ramadhan and Eids are just as magical as what I can imagine.

Here are some pictures to share because i don't know how long the mosque committee will win the war against urban development. In many ways things looks like its going against them. Just a few kilometres is a mosque in the urban jungle thriving with activities.

The front of the mosque

The cute lil' reban ayam

The fruit of labour

warning!

I can't imagine that Pasir Gudang is literally a stone's throw.

An evidence how long this mosque has been around. Compare it with the signage at the top. Look at the postal code. One of the rarest road signs still left in Singapore. Please don't take it out or refurbished it.

Ah well! This calls for heritage preservation. How many Malay kampungs and landmarks has been demolished to make way for development?

hari ini

My interview is today at 3pm!!! they just called this morning.arrrrrrrrrghhhhhh... *palpitation*

I'm meeting Cekmi for lunch later with lun, ligo(??) and cekmi's fren! I tot sempat gi Arab st beli tudung. i guess i have to make do with what i have!

alhamdulillah

I got another job interview on tuesday at 10am. Pray for me yeah

• Now feeling exhausted - came home from interview then brought nuha for her jab.

• interview tadi okaylah. I wasn't nervous. Mungkin sebab this would be my third time going there. Basically they want me. but less pay and some benefits. I asked for a week to think abt it. But I think I will try to buy some time. I AM still hoping for other interview offers.

• Do you think its ethical to work then leave should a better offer come? or go for somethign part-time and then leave for somethign better.

• Im sleepy

hujan di tengah malam

My interview is at 10am. Going to leave the house by 9am. I asked my maid earlier on to wash my tudung.. nak pakai nanti to the interview. Skali hujan di tengah malam. Dengan kelamkabutnye I woke up to rescue my wet tudung. Nevermindlah.Hopefully it will dry by 8am. Or else have to have contingency tudung.

Couldn't sleep so had instant noodle (Pernah dengar tak brand Mie Sedap?) and started to diddle (what does this mean anyway?) with the blog template. Maklumlah ada rumah baru.. nak perfect lah. Siapa tahu camne nak stretch the pic and make the words appear in full? Cos it only appears as BigMomm to me rather than BigMomma.

Lagi satu hal, something wrong with me explorer. Kalau new window open, the whole thing ada error and ada window dialog that comes out to say send message /dont send message to microsoft blablabla... Sapa expert dalam hal nie tolong bantu ya? Oh and this started to happen when hubby downloaded skype (hai memandai je.. bukannye a technie person)

Walaupun hujan lebat tadi.. me berpeluh2x macam makan kat warung tengah malam.

Somehow I macam takde hati with this job interview.. because they are not offering any benefits. Kerja dapat gaji bulat2x je. Benefits very important. See what they say later on.

I need facial. Walaupun tak pernah pergi facial in my life, my skin is dry and hidung berkerapu dengan white AND black heads. yuck.

Next month hubby's birthday. I want to do something special. I realised we don't have a special song together (macam citer My Bestfriend's Wedding gitu.. I noticed something, I don't really fancy Julia Roberts, but I can't avoid watching her movies.. like I don't really fancy JLo but I can't help watching her movies, although I do find Monster in law hilarious). So the song yang beralunan in Awan's blog tu, Sade's By your side .. i find it perfect for us. Nak bawak gi fancy restaurant.. hmm kat mana? Johor? Almaklumlah.. unemployed. Budget is literally zero. Takkan nak mintak dia duit to spend on him kan? hehehehehe.

Okaylah lemme go now. i'll update alittle later when I get back from the interview. Toodleloo!

dilema wanita - part 2

What Ligo posted the other day.. made me think and what has been happening made me want to post dilema wanita .. my own.

My maid started working since Monday. Well not really Monday.. Tuesday cos she arrived almost 6pm. I brief her On the JOb for the past few days on what to do.. giving instruction as we go by. I had prepared 4 page rules and regulation plus schedule and things to remember.

Having her around gave me a sense of freedom to do more things I want and gave me more time to be my children. And I see them differently now. Like Umar, I appreciate him more now. I guess when he was struggling too when I was just me at home without a fulltime helper. He had his tantrums he's constant nos and the need for reasoning. And my constant struggle with my inner self for the house to be in order, that I am wasting time feeding Nuha when I should be multi tasking as much as possible.

The other day I asked him do you want me to work or stay at home. He said stay at home. I asked why he said bcs no1 will fetch me (when his bus comes). Come to think of it.. how did I survive during confinement.. during those times when my husband had to work and I had to go downstairs, totally unwell with Nuha in hand to fetch him. I did it.. and on Saturday Nuha will be 3mths old.

When we got married and had Umar, we told ourselves that we are not going to get a maid. That it will be family care at the most. Childcare or infantcare was fare from our minds. We felt sad for those parents who had to send their kids off to infantcare or childcare and we hope that they are well taken care of. We were terrified for those parents who had no options but entrust a maid to care for their children and household. We felt blessed for the choice that we had at that time.

Umar and me went to pasar this morning. And it's amazing. We had a wonderful time together.. at the pasar! and I was thinking to myself, this can't be bougtht. These are the moments which be replaced. And i won't get this if and when i work. The force of economy, personal desire to be better balance tipped against pure motherhood. Some camps told me that I should go all out to achieve what I want when the kids are younger.. like travelling and pursuing Masters.

Then comes in the maid.

We discussed my 4paged R&R. Towards the end of the discussion, she raised the issue of Sunday off. I said that for the next 3mths not yet. Let me learn to trust her. She was almost enraged. SHe got up from her seat. And Nuha was in her arms. Her reaction shocked me more than anything else. She started prancing back and forth like a lawyer. Putting forth her arguments and me putting up mine. She won't let in even. I said I'll think about it and give her an answer. Then another issue of December leave. She asked whether she will get compensated since she doesn't want to go back. I said no because I paid full fare for her trip.Then she said mite as well she go back and she kept repeating that and I said okay go and I maintained my ground. I guess she was hoping I would show a hint of desperation.

Upon discussion with hubby, he said let her have her Sunday off bcs we have too much at stake and we dont want to create tension with her.

Well the good thing was we could still talk after that R&R discussion. Well I started learning the pendinding verse.

saturday - exhausted

I thot i had the longest sleep ever last nite. I woke up with soreness and exhaustion.

Why? Bcs I received a disturbing letter from my ex-company. It lived in my dream the whole nite.

I wanna be even better than what I am now.

Sometimes I contradict myself.. maybe i'm the iffy person but sometimes i just want a relax mediocre life.. and other times i wanna be a high flyer and live the high life.

May be i'm just a confuse me.

what's been happening

The Great WTL Visit

Well one we all (I think Lun and Ligo would agree with me) that WTL doesn't waste time.. she shops till she drops (well maybe till her toes ache). And she has some jumping beans in her. ONe things for sure it is nice to see her in SG. And I love her buying choices! heheheh i can't imagine if we all go shopping together can pengsan for sure.

And it's been a lonnnnnng time since i do long walks and both me and wtl realised that we barely have enough energy for these walks. I get back aches easily. And in response to these aches and pains, I'm taking cold liver oil - the capsule form and vit C.

I should thank hubby for giving me time off and be with the kids while i zip around town with Ms Zippy.

Silly us,, we didnt take picture together! Nanti I will post the pics. And it's good to know that WTL will be coming again .. Year End Sale?

Past 3mths staying at home qualifying the stay at home mom title - i learn that when the diaper is ultra dirty till it dirties the shirt or pants.. just throw them.Don't even bother washing them. Waste water.

And this is the best time to take advantage of the helpful courteous taxi driver campaign. It is good that taxi drivers do help with my stroller and bags.

Oh yeah.. will bring Nuha for snip-snip nextweek. Let my mom do the honours. I can't bare it.

And Umar did an MRI. Apparently there is some pus in his sinus passage and its stuck there. So that's why he gets sick often. The last one lasted 2mths. The only option is surgery and I can't bare that. He is too young to go thru such things and he won't understand and the trauma will be just too great. So we .. well I am force feeding yucky cold liver oil and vit c for him too. To build his immune system. And he lives on warm water and no chocolates or sweets. And this will apply to Nuha as well.

I'm just the exhausted housewife.

hmmm where will i be?

i had some bad days lately.. other than nuha nt sleeping daytime.. demanding to be carried all the time.. i was 'fired' from my job..due 2 sm fitnah. No chance to defend myself. O Allah pllease take care of me and my family.

well i scrambling 2 find a job..cos my maid cmg in soon. i can choose to take it easy.. and take my time finding a job but i'm not that kind a person i realised. I feel guilty leaving everything to my hubby.

Good and bad things come together? Well an opportunity to go KL from 28 -31. Yes:) that is something i am looking forward to..take my mind off things.

well ..nuha is up!

In random

Confession - Today is my first attempt to make sambal goreng. My hubby's fave. hm my own verdict? tak cantik.. tapi making me hungry now. I'm weaning off from my helper... need to get back on my feet. She comes in twice a week to help clean only. My tooth broke - arggghhh.. dental appointment at 2pm. A sudden realization of taking care of my health dawned upon me. I've been very very neglecting of myself. Need to take multi vits. Looking at ligo when we met the other day.. sungguh discipline anak2x nye. Hmm mine.. like all over the town gitu. Another realization - I don't have constructive activites for my kids. Need to plan one. Admire Lun also for having such activities with Dibdib. In love - with John Legend and James Morrison. Mother's day - I went to watch spiderman 3. Love the effects. Love the webshots. Love the battle between Harry and Spidey. Draggy and don't like screamy girl, MJ. Sandman looks scary. And I like Aunty Mae's character. such warm old lady reminds me of breadpudding with vanilla sauce on a warm plate. Had my hair cut that day too. Another realization - efforts needed to be a good wife... self presentation very poor lately. Told myself I need to go for hair steaming and attempt to get ear pierced again for the 3rd time! Well what kinda cake are you?

You Are a Chocolate Cake

Fun, comforting, and friendly. You are a true classic, and while you're not super cutting edge, you're high quality. People love your company - and have even been known to get addicted to you.

What Kind of Cake Are You?

I think the only male type of human being who could understand what a woman who's name is mother goes thru is a gynaecologist. Not the husband. I get upset easily.. postpartum? maybe i dont know ..all i know is its how i feel and no one understand what i feel. i'll just shut up and move on. I know i'm not the only one who's tired at home. But I am the only one who feels soo lonely and lost. Where is me? what's me like? how do that me sound? what would she say or do? I've got no sound career/life/motherhood/family/me? plan.. I've got to do so many things..it's all on me.. but i'm limited by pain and movement. i'm alone in this. No mother would understand even. (unless u go thru c-section)

• 10:50pm - usually i'd be asleep at this hour .. once all the kids are asleep. Tonite.. I just some time to myself.
• My maid application approve and a sudden rush of anxiety overwhelmed me all day. I hope it goes away. May be this house is a little cramp for 3 adults and 2 kids. whatmore a stranger and some1 we need to learn to trust. It's a tough thing to do.
• We wanted umar to continue having his privacy while hubby maintains his home-office. However, no matter how we work the numbers, umar had to give in. Hubby needs his home-office space. I talked to umar about it.. I told him that we are going to have a helper living with us and helping us out with household chores. I asked him whether it's ok to have the helper sleep in his room. He did give it a thought (I'm amazed at this 3yr old!). He said its okay. I said we try this arrangement if its not comfortable for umar we have to sacrifice the home-office room and have some other form of arrangement
• When I got married, I thought a small house would be enough for us. I didn't think we'd go as far as having 2 kids and a helper living with us.
• When hubby suggested we get a bigger house, I told him I love this house... and I kinda like our neighbours (our age with young kids) . I just can't do it right now. However deep in me I would wanna move BUT it has to be a private property. Why? Not that I want to boast that we could afford (we can't at all!) but it's a dream I would want to achieve. Living in a house not a pigeon hole (eventhough I love the one I have)
• My other dilemma - now that there is a maid - should I work fulltime or remain part-time and work for hubby the other half. I would prefer doing the latter. Of course the question is whethr we could afford me going part-time.
• I was initially against the idea of having a maid but after the illness, it's a need. I can't force everything on hubby.Enough of stressing him out.
• It's been a month since i last watched tv. Nuha and Umar take up most of my time. I'm too pooped to watch anythng or even read the day's papers.
• Umar asked why the doctor have to cut me up ( I don't know who told him about this). He asked me this numerous times. I gave same asnwer everytime. To take Nuha out of my tummy. I said he came out the same way too.
• He asked me anymore Nuha while pointing to my tummy. I said no more.
• His choice of words are really cute - like he would say words like "uncomfortable" "cosy" "hibernation"
• I gotta put him in some reading class. He loves to spell eventhough he can't make out the words!

Nuha 1 mth

Its weird ... and amazing how you can fall in love with a child.. especially your own. She is 1 mth today. I had a few colleagues over for lunch. My helper is great help.

Oh some updates.. i'm going to get a full-time maid. Lun.. i didnt get a chance to call your cousin as i had a transfer maid.. seems to be a whole lot cheaper. Some glitches rite now. Maid will start in July. That's the time when I start work back.

A former colleague saying how much he loved his new workplace... hmm in my heart i became confuse.. i thot to myself maybe i should just move on rather than stay at the same place for convinience sake. Anyway one of these days need to go back to office to do some stuff.

Oh yeah my new hp.. just like cekya's ... its almost 1 week old - i got to take it in .. everytime i make a call i hear a buzzing sound. irritating. and the camera has green/yellow tinge.

tomorrow im bringing nuha for her 1mth jab.. hep b i think. well... again back to the old confuse me.

Alhamdulillah after the most horrible time of my life i can safely say that I am much much better in fact i dare say that I am almost back to my normal health. Thank you TD for your generous reminders. Yes in fact Bilal bin Rabah is one of my favourite heroes of all times other than the great Umar Al Khattab.

Yesterday after a gruelling 24hrs of diarhhoea, vomitting and giddiness, Allah inclined me to visit my 'old' doc. Who said i was severely dehydrated. He gave me a jab on the butt and referred me to the hospital. Alhamdulillah at the hospital the doc put me on the drip gave me some more shots on the butt. I was out cold for 2hrs or so. I woke up feeling better but scared to say that I feel better. In fact I woke up feeling that I should get some food in my tummy! Okay Okay enough of food.

But yes I was thinking it is my kaffarah. Agaknye dosa aku byk curse people while I was pregnant with Nuha. Or with my own family members. Wallahu'alam. I was 'ready' to surrender myself eventhough half of me wanted to fight on. Whatever the outcome I must redha.

But most of all I owe it to you all, Lun, Ligo, TheDreamer, WTL, Cekmi and those who dropped by silently and prayed for my health. THank you Allah for giving me such wonderful friends! Thanks Ligo for also offering your service to me. I couldn't dream of anyone doing that for me! Thank you!

I'm back! Nuha is 3weeks old today(40-21 = 19 days!) My countdown continues!

BTW.. it's time to kill those itching curiosity http://sushita.multiply.com/

just a short update

Salaam

I had the worst week of my life. It was literally fighting to live. It was the angin dalam perut that was literally overtaking my life. My greatest challenge was even when I went to gynae after going to the emergency the day before things did not change. Wait, I think the greatest challenge was when MY tukang urut was down with flu when i need her most. It was the greatest challenge to find some1 who could help in times of need. I felt so confine, constraint, the pain slowed me down so much. I barely had any sleep for ever since godknowswhen. I barely took care of Nuha even. Eventually i gave up and called my mom and sis crying in pain. I dont wanna go hospital again cos that means investigation and stuff. My poor hubby felt so helpless and I knew he was damn stressed. I prayed to Allah to get rid of the pain out of my body immediately so that i could be with my family again.

Its been a week since the pain started. I am slowly recovering. I hope to recover fully very very soon. Help for baby care is rare. Helper only does housework for me.

Dear all please pray for the return of my health. I wanna be with my family and enjoy them. Right now is soo depressing not being able to enjoy their company. Please pray for that I be fit soon. I'm so sad to see my hubby so down and stressed with me being unwell. and that he has to take care of everything in the house.

OH Allah please please I'm begging you, please make me healthy again.

Salam again All.

Today i have major stomachache. Sampai bergulung2x. Since yesterday actually tapi nari semakin terok. tadi gi doc,doc kata terlalu byk angin. It was damn painful sampai terasa contraction again. I hope to get better.. argghhhh.

Duduk kat rumah nie macam tgh buat NEW YeAr countdown. Dah 10 days dah. 30 more to go! Tapi yang menghairankan.. tetap takde masa nak upload pics.

Nuha has been an owl. Siang hari macam budak baik malam hari main mata. But she has been healthy alhamdulillah.

This confinement is a challenge. I've been on my own even with a helper. My grandmother passed away when I gave birth to Nuha. And today another sedara passed away. My family has been busy with funerals so I have to fend for myself. Alhamdulillah gerakan Allah untuk dapatkan helper. Who is alhamdulillah has been very very very helpful and kind. Macam nak employ her fully but she doesn't want. Cos this way she earns more. Ye lah faham.. keperluan orang.

First few days and I think up till now I've been minah emo. Sikit2x nangis sikit2x keciiikkk hati. Sikit2x marah. Maybe cos I feel alone and lonely. Hubby of course has been patient and a great support tak boleh tercompare. Even tho masa kat dalam labour ward tu, dia asyik main talipon je! I feel like nak rampas talipon tu buang kat tingkap. He had to arrange for coaches to replace him so ade kecoh sikit lah. Cuma kalau dah dalam kesakitan mana nak paham bende nie semua.

Cekya - yeah it happened also bila i nak give birth to umar as well. While waiting to dilate, I tawaf satu ward tu lah. And at that point tgh craving for Milo. Apparently hospital ni, the Milo sedap giler. Tgh sakit perut, jalan2x ternampak misi pushing a cart with milo. Wah ape lagi. I pun tanya Milo nie datang dari mana? Terlalu sedap. Misi tu sengeh je. Agaknye dia pikir budak nie tak betul tgh sakit perut boleh pikir pasal Milo. Oh yeah food also. I got food masa kat dalam labour ward jugak masa nak deliver umar. I think my gynae dah paham. Budak nie suka makan walau dalam kesakitan.

Thedreamer - well c-section sebab cervix tak dilate and my contractions dah 2-3mins apart. Budak sudah mau keluar tapi macam ade wall gitu. Apalagi mau tunggu, gua bilang cut me up! I pun almost lost my mind i think cos i could barely recall what happen during that extreme labour pain.

So pray for my speedy health yeah. Meantime I try to be as cheerful as possible!

1818

Salam! It was just last Thursday that I blogged 'complaining' abt my day. And now a whole new week has passed and I've got Nuha Alia in the family. Today Umar is down with cough and cold. And me all alone at home with 2 kids! A whole load of difference! Well I'm going to attempt to citer kan u all ape yang berlaku hehehe... without pics tho. I haven't had the time or complete health yet. But Insha Allah it will come. Well citer dia cam nie.. 11:30am My mom's place. Tgh sedap2x makan lunch .. yelah masak bamia lah katakan.. wahh best sungguh! sampai bungkus bawak balik untuk rumah. Delicious! Lahh hai selama nie akubuat bamia nie salah. rupa pakai bawang goreng belambak .. we'll talk abt bamia alittle later.. another update perhaps. But that was what I learnt! Tgh bgn dari meja makan tak pasal2x sakit pinggang mcm lain gitu. I told my mother.. dia buat dak jek.. hehehe tak pe i know dia Panic Queen. Akupun ikut sama buat bodoh. Hmm gotta wait for hubby to fetch me home and that's at 1pm. 1pm Hubby came to fetch us. Tgh turun tangga .. terasa pinggang loose. aduh.. contraction ke? hmm tak pe. Kitaorang jalan pelan2x tunggu teksi balik rumah. Sampai rumah hubby gi kerja. Umar tidor. And I attempted to sleep. 5:30pm Called hubby bilangkan sakit pinggang.. rasa cam lain sikit. Nie setelah I did mylast entry.

From then on, it got worst and worst. The rasa nak terberak was confusing! I called my sister after that, and she said i'm in labour. I said no lah. Nanti Monday nak gi check up ape? Abistu lupa nak monitor the contractions. But I know for sure I barely had any sleep that nite.

23 Mar 07 8am

Pagi2x hubby tak kerja. Umar dah pergi sekolah. I called my sister again. She said gi hospital. I said no i nak gi gynae je. I wait for hubby to come back from sending umar to school okay? I told her. My sis said she take off and will come straight to my house. Lepas tu my mother pulak talipon. Dah sakit perut? I cakap dah... tapi nak gi gynae je check up. Rupanya my sis and my mom in cahoot nak datang rumah I to whisk me off to the hospital.

9:30am

Hubby called gynae. Tak tau ape dia meracau dgn clinic tu.. tak pasal2x bila my mom and sis datang he said let's go to the hospital. I pun bersiap sedialah.

Called taxi hubby said taxi on the way. Turun nampak pakcik blasting mengaji.. (if im not mistaken). Mula2x pakcik drive relakz je.. as if we were sightseeing.. I think tak pasal2x he realised that I'm in labour wah pakcik drive macam lipas kodong.. muka terus pucat lesu! ehhehe kesian.

Abistu, bila dah sampai kat hospital, my 3 saviours left me in the taxi! They jumped out and just left! Aku struggle sorang2x nak keluar taxi.. abis tu pakcik nak handover change gave to me.. pakcik dah lah pucat! And me nak maintain.. i said no need wheelchair.. then hubby say need i said no need then hubby say noneed then i think my mom or sis said need .. we conceded. Anyway, memang giler aku nie kalau nak jalan and wait for lift to 2nd level to doc's office kan?

I was wheeled in to doc's office and nurse kata "buat ape kat sini? U dah overdue .. gi labourward lah.."" aduhhh malu nyee. I said okay..So I was wheeled to labour ward.

So drama bermula dari situlah. Aku dengar orang terpekik terlolong dah give birth. Me still waiting....

Nurse masuk kejap2x tanya nak pain killers tak? i said noneed i can handle. Gynae datang dah check semua I asked boleh makan tak? ( aku mana je.. sakit ke ape ke, tak kisah, penting makan) gynae said okay i give u porridge. Wah porridge datang 1 whole bowl aku finish the garnishing and the sauce semua licin. ahhaha tak macam orang in labour.

I was sms-ing my sister.. dia macam heran, mana got time to sms. I said in between contractions can sms. hahahhaha. Jadi dari waktu aku masuk selain menahan pain, taking pics, and reading newspaper, i also watched a whole movie on HBO! And sempat get irritated with hubby.

4:30pm

I asked for painkiller jab on the thigh. Apparently it didn't work at ALL!. wah contraction every 3mins aiyoyoyoy sakit giler...

5pm

Decision came for ceaserian at 6:30pm

5:45pm

I was wheeled out of the room. aku dah tak kenal orang.. sakit macam orang giler.

Dalam operating theatre.. i was thinking to myself apsal dia kasi benda oxygen nie macam tak laku je.. jangan bila dia operate i'm wide awake! wahh the pain makin sakit makin sakit! wa duuhhhhhh tak tahan.. Then I was thinking, agaknye dah nak mati... agaknye aku nie byk dosa... sebab tu cam ni keadaan.

bila dia pasang anathesia... sempat ku shahadat and gone.

6:18pm

Nuha Alia was born into the world. Such a pretty little girl. She was 54cm and 3.2kg

God knows what time I was wheeled back to the room. In my giddiness i opened my eyes saw a blurred vision of my husband. In the room I know I mengerang cos damn it was painful!

Well that was it. My labour story.

saje saje

Esok genap 40minggu. dah cukup dah. Hari Isnin is my check-up.. final check up i hope. Pray for me okay? that this delivery would be smooth, safe and healthy for me and baby. Takde satu petanda pun contraction mcm orang giler ke (semuanya can handle), waterbreak ke, bloodyshow ke.

Semalam malam tak tahan.. emo sangat sampai menangis. I dont know why but I was kinda upst with what's going on with me. Kenapa no signs at all.. i takut kena c-section again. all those things all things went thru my mind.

Pagi tadi I went to my mom's place masak bamia. In fact bende is my fav vegetable. Kesian my husband dia tak gi course tadi pagi.. cos semalam malam umar tak pasal2x batuk2x and me with my emo overload.

Al Fatihah to Jimi's uncle yang passed away. Semoga Allah grant him Jannah Amin.

WTL - hopefully everything will turn up well for you tomorrow AMIN.

TheDreamer - cepat2x recover and savor the rain.

Lun - hopefully your ayah is well and healthy.

cekya - dah sihat ke belum?

Ligo - where are you now? kenapa senyap.. tak update.

The rest - have a good friday and weekend.

random thoughts - while you are still inside

On the subject of peeing

1. With the countless times of peeing over the period of 39weeks now, i find flushing a waste of water.
2. In fact, I know my way round with my eyes close most of the time.
3. The shortest time span from one pee to another is 35 mins.
4. The longest time span from one pee to another is 2hrs.
5. The most I peed is when you (not you - the baby) move too much
6. As most of the 24hrs a day is spent in the toilet, I had to make the toilet alittle more interesting. Previously I didn't bother how the toilet looked like.
7. Glade does work in the toilet
8. The average time spent in the toilet peeing is 5.5 mins

On the subject of dressing up

1. Color co-ordination matters most
2. In fact sheer lipgloss brightens up the bloated face
3. The best dress to wear is the jubah- it's free and easy and roomy
4. when they say those maternity pants you bought is stretchable and would last you till you give birth and in fact after - well, they lied.
5. Looking all pregnant and dolled up is fun after all!
6. You don't get those freebies when you are pregnant. Civic-mindedness is passe.

Most often told to me

1. "Take your time, it's okay". All said by taxi drivers.

What cheezes me off

1. Smoke and smokers
2. Irresponsible dog owners
3. Irresponsible joss paper burning - they get away all the time don't they?
4. Suckers
5. People who stand up just to suck up to their boss and protect their rice bowl.
6. People who walk so close to me, just close enough to almost knock me down so that *I* would give way to them. They won't bother saying excuse me. I was almost knocked down just now by a shopping cart.
7. Limp hair (suggest that they have not washed their hair for past God Knows Howmany days!)
8. Body odors.
9. People who expect *YOU* to open the door for them and not hold it for you to pass by.
10. Bikers who drive or park their bikes at the void deck or by the walkway.
11. Cyclists who ring their bells a mile a way expecting you to give them the right-er way.
12. Singaporean drivers.
13. IN fact give them anything that requires them to man-handle (cars, strollers, shopping cart, rollerblades, motorbikes, bicycles) they take it as if its Formula One and they have 5 secs to go before the clock stops.

the Fives

My overdue FIVES - 6 things i would do if i were a millionaire

• empower more people to improve their lives through religion, education, skills and knowledge.
• do an environmental project
• take time off to do work in underdeveloped Muslim countries
• my own foundation n trust
• buy a business entity
• be part of UN/OIC/IDB/WorldBank (don't know why I have to be a millionaire to do this)

5 bad habits

• play with my hair when i'm thinking ( i lose hair that way)
• cut my nails when watching TV (don't know why this is a BAD habit tho)
• scratching my skin
• umm... none else.

5 things i hate doing

• ironing my hubby's stuff
• cleaning and washing the toilet
• scratching my skin

5 things i never do

• anything that has to do with heights like bungee jumping
• anything that has to do with water like swimming
• be on TV game show/reality TV show stuffs

5 things i regret doing

• biting my nails when I was much younger
• not listening to my parents when I was supposed to
• not saying I Love You to my late brothers and father
• not having my last looks at loved ones
• buying shoes that don't fit

5 fave toys/things

• my quilt (though its not patchwork but I love it)
• my bed
• my home
• my phone (it's with me 24/7)
• my camera

ten to ten pm

Tgh boring. Still waiting for some signs! ahahahhah I can't believe I am doing this! Literally waiting for a contraction, waterbreak or bloody show! 1 sign for sure my pelvic bones dah lembik rasanye...

I had a good afternoon nap so Im kinda up right now. I've emailed my boss saying that I am taking leave for now. I can't believe I ended my own contract. I woke up just now with this craving for blueberry cheesecake. AND I need to buy bedsheets (again!) and flossing and brushing is my current obession.

*sigh*

terima kasih

Thank you for all your concerns. Nari birthday nye The Dreamer. Selamat Hari Jadi TheD. Semoga apa yang nak dicapai tercapai jadinya.

Memang cobaan yang Allah nak beri.. sakit dari haritu tu, mak dan anak. Punya tak terdaya Allah sahaja yang tau. Mungkin Allah nak hilangkan dosa2x tak? Lepas tu dah boleh give birth? Semalam malam bawak Umar gi hospital lagi. *sigh* dah 3 bulan nie gi hospital. Alhamdulillah pagi nie nampak sihat and banyak mulut. Dah okay lah tu. Mak dia yang tak tahan.. sakit badan.. bentan kata orang. baru nak baik flu dah satu hal lagi. Alhamdulillah my helper came and so did my kakak urut. Heaven sent betul! My mother pulak decide to cook for us. ALHAMDULILLAH!

Kakak urut kata dah memang nampak time. I bilang dia boleh tak urut kasi trigger beranak. Dia ketawa. Sewel agaknye budak nie. Lepas tu dia cakap "dahlah okaylah malam nie u beranak!" For now I swear I just want to get it over and done with. Dengar cekmi's sister dah give birth.. wah dah senang. Bila aku nye turn pulak? Tak de rasa contraction pulak.... apa dah!

So gitulah my update thus far. Nari tak gi kerja.

im so sick

Gawd Im so sick. I could barely lift my head or my fingers. Pls Allah let me have my health back so that I can be prepared for birth. ASAP.

I_mshe@homewithumarandtheflu

International Women's Day

Ramai feminist out there will be celebrating this day today. But I feel it's not a celebration for the feminist alone. Us Women. We need to look at us. US women.. have we done justice to ourselves in our view of ourselves, in relation to our environment, social, cultural, education societal?

Just something for us to get our knees and toes on.. not to forget that we women of the world deserve the best? Speak out if you are not happy.

i_mshe@homewithumarwhoissick

Im cravnig for....

Mrs Field's Brownie Nibblers... yum yum yum 4:05pm - im sleepy...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I did this last nite but somehow i erased it by accident. Bloghazard.

Cekmi asked how does it feel to crave for something knowing there is another soul inside?

Cekmi it cannot be fathom by mere explanation or description. Pain and pleasure intersect at a thin line. It is 2 different persons. It's like hmm.. have u watched Alien before? Where the baby alien was incubated inside one of the guy's body and came out from his stomach (okay this is really a gory and morbid way of explaining but it's not THAT bad).

It's like Chang and Eng with the age gap. It's like Charla and Myrna (Amazing Race).

We differ on alot of things. Like food, car (or simply car rides), drink, smell. Of course we tend to agree on many things like I don't like people who smell it simple irks me. I don't like mess (I tend to close one eye.. but nowadays I'm all for social responsibility).

Like yesterday when I had the brownie nibblers. I dunk in milk and popped it in my mouth. OH boy my girl was dancing and swirling and it was the most movement I've ever felt. It was a seismic which I can't measure. BUT when I have Milo. I'll straight go to the toilet. She don't agree.

So there you go.. fraternal twins, to simple put it.

Saturday

Dah 4 hari berturut2x sakit kepala.. mcm berdengung gitu. I put ice pack this morning it went away. Tadi tertidor and woke up with headache again. Agaknye kepala panas. Cos less than 20 mins the ice pack dah cair!

Ligo had a good time i'm sure kat geylang. Minum cheekong! Boy I can certainly imagine the cold cheekong rite in front of my face now. *sigh* sedap! Beli apa Ligo kat geylang?

Nari alittle heavier than usual. More bed bound. Sampai takut nak berak. hehehe but dah selamat melepas dah. Dalam ke sakitan kepala, I can only think of 1 thing and it's the oddest of all. Chen Su Bian - president of Taiwan. Of ALLLLL the things in the things in the world. Chen Su Bian came to my mind! And I can't get rid of it. Must be some wiring in my brain that wanted me to think of an alternative out of the blue kind of thing. Oh cakap pasal brain nie, my current addiction is all hospital related stories, especially 3lbs. It's about this neurologist. Stanley Tucci is the main character yang kononnya nak save kan orang tapi think he is god. Another guy baru kerja 6 bulan but sees his patients with a heart. Very very good. Currently showing on Hallmark Channel. Last nite, the advert kata season finale! *sigh* OH yeah. The old E.R. I am watching that too. Of course my fave CSIs and Law and Order. My fav is actually Special Victims Unit tapi tak tunjuk sekarang. Just the original Law and Order. Tak pe ah ade Benjamin Pratt. Suka tengok muka dia. I heard he is an excellant photographer (tengok kat Oprah). I think he is such a sweetheart. Glad he didn't end up with Julia Roberts.

Teringatkan macaroni and fried chicken. Insha Allah Monday nie dapat lah makan. I ordered for the office as a surprise.

Orang kata masa mengandung nie senses are strong. Tadi bila nak ambik wudhu terbau dengan kuatnya my boss punya bamia and I could actually see it before my eyes! Punyalah sedap. Her specialty is bamia and what's that name.. kachang phool! Excellant giler. I thot of smsing her abt my hallucination. tapi tak pe ah. She is pretty stressed up in fact this is the worst I've seen her in sampai nangis2x.

I sms Lun .. out of wanting to know a question that has been on my mind for the longest time. Air petuban najis tak? Lun thot mine burst. I said not yet. I really do wonder though. Lun punya theory mungkin najis mutawassita. Wah dah lama tak dengar word tu ah! So syiok gitu dengar word tu! Najis pertengahan. Apsal eh?

Cekya how's your baby contest going? Hope it worked well and you got some nice pics to go along with it :)

Kak Emmy how's the saLiVating going? ehehhe nak tengok gambar beg tu.. jangan lupa post it on your blog.

How's the weekend for the rest?

latest update

My gynae appointment this morning came with exciting yet scary for me news.

Firstly baby dah engaged. Gynae said should be giving birth by next week. Kalau tak give birth by next appointment she will do the vaginal examination. She said wait for waterbag to break or bleeding then go hospital not just contractions alone.

Swab test came back okay. All clear for normal delivery Insha Allah.

Scary-mary rasa nye. I still haven't pack my bag. Tunggu hubby keluar kan bag dari store. Need to look at other stuff that i haven't prepared. Need to do marketing this weekend.

wahh soo many things. so exciting and scary gitu.

Pray for me!

True Indulgence

My anti-depressive first-aid

• Ben & Jerry's Chunky Monkey with warm waffles top with sliced peaches and splash of maple syrup (Lasted 2 days. Sorry hubby I ate the rest of the tub of B&J)
• Shopping - expenses paid by hubby. L'Occitane products, baby bed (this was a necessity not indulgent)
• A good shower (wish it was a bath instead) with all organic shea butter soap, lathered with shea butter mommy cream (for stretch marks) and pure shea butter wax (for all over dry skin)
• Lays Sour Cream & Onion Chips
• Nasi Turki - cooked by my mom. Was a surprise by her. My late lunch.
• Good Old Rain pouring outisde while I'm updating my entry in bed.
• Aircon at 5:45 pm (alittle early for us at home)

What's yours?

Sedih haru biru bingung bengang

Stuff happening to some staffs in the office. I feel lost but had to show strength for their sake. 1st time my boss cried in front of me. Kesian. Nie kes giler nie memang.

Korang pls pray for all of us and especially my two colleagues. May Allah keep them safe always. Amin.

Fuschia - the new pink for me

ARGHHHHHHHHHH!!!! dah tulis panjang2x hilang semua nyaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

malas nak repeat story. Just to let u all know that nie my new craving infact it's my post natal craving. To get a Fuschia top with white pants and soft pink and white hijab. kalau boleh nak complete with pinkish white mother of pearl chunky ring.

my other cravings are abaya with hood and this new style dress - cut half way wear with pants.. donno whats the name called.

why fuschia cos the only pink i ever wore was my school uniform yang kadang2x when i wore it, i over did it.. hari2x yang tak perlu pakai pun pakai jugak! and when i was in my mid teens i had two soft pink baju kurung and in my early adulthood i wore a nice pink .. that pink somehow took my husband away! woohoo.

Dah brapa hari mimpi bersalin mimpi nampak baby.. (to think that i have yet to find a complete name for her!).. rasa time is running short/out on me. Byk benda belum buat .. marketing... no stroller (yang kita berkenan dah kena saut orang), diaper bag (yang i berkenan cost $129!) baby bed (silly shop dont deliver! sungguh lah.. merepek!) bag belum pack.

Lagi satu hal, Umar masih sakit infact today ade hospital appt pagi2x tadi. He woke up with red and swollen eye. kesian. sabar betul dia... truly exemplify what Allah mentioned as patient and steadfast when face with struggle.

kata my sis budak nak beradik kadang2x cam nie.. bongkar penyakit. nie pertama kali ku dgr. ade pantang larang nak kena buat. So later lah Insha Allah. Oh yeah.. pokok mariam (ape eh nama dia) ade dalam laci.. ke keringan kawan tu.. kesian. nak kena mandi dgn dia kan? supaya sejuk badan eh.. nowadays tidor dalam aircon pun berpeluh. My hubby thot I slobber (ish! yuck!)

And walking is a struggle cos macam nak terlepas gitu rasa nye. If I walk fast.. sakit kan diri sendiri je. Ya Allah let it be easy on me. Amin!

Today I felt the heaviest. Rasa terlalu berat and macam nak terlepas. I check with my sis she said she did feel that when she was pregnant. Now bila baby move I think she could have the strength to poke out of my skin. Kadang2x the pain/discomfort is unbearable.

I think Allah has some plans in mind when some pregnant women get irritatingly clumsy like me. I've been bending down to pick stuff up at supermarket at home at office more than I could ever imagine. I guess that's an indirect way of pushing the baby downward. Theory je.

Past 2 nites been dreaming of giving birth. Last nite tak salah mimpi I'm back to my old self/figure and wearing my old clothes.

Just now I dreamt of blood and waterbag bursting. (I'm up again at 3am)

Now hubby really can't wait for baby to come out. Dulu I complain that I had to call him several times than he will answer the phone (which makes me geram.. cos I would nag that what if I'm in labor or some emergency). Now every time I wince he would ask is the baby ready to come out. Nie dah over-doing it. Tapi bagus jugak. I guess he too is experiencing heighten anxiety.

My belly button (excuse the gross description) doesn't jut out I noticed. But it changes its looks through out the day. It''ll have the cats eye look, the closed eye look, and the full eye ball look. Entah lah camne I came out with all these description.

Well.. I'm wondering what should I do next. At 8:30am later, my helper will be coming. Rumah nie sah jadi tongkang pecah. I can exactly point out who's the culprit (not Umar) tapi selalu deny.

I need a hair cut, Umar needs one too. So does the daddy but he is in denial rite now. Baby is up somehow.. agaknye cahaya lampu woke her up.

I watched buli balik half way.. maybe gonna watch it after updating the blog. Alhamdulillah it rained just now. I thot rain water will be far from dropping in this side of the island.

Just yesteday saw a group of bangau in a uniform position. I must find out what are they doing and why do they do such thing. Such amazing creatures. Manalah dorang pergi nanti bila dah musim panas.

I've always told myself not to give birth during hot weather kali nie well dry spell is coming soon (dah salah plan ke?).. bright and sunny weather some times gets me down. And the rain cheers me up and of course it is cooler. With the global warming becoming a hot issue (teringat GP dulu..korang ingat tak?) I wonder why that isn't part of the Budget2007 - what we are doing as a country to minimize waste.

Oh yeah speaking of GP - yang mengajarnye tu dulu.. heard some stories abt her.. which was pretty awful that has led to some parents taking their kids out. Sedih sungguh. Need a major overhaul. I dont mind taking over the administration /management position. Ooops tergumpat.

*sigh* Belum abis lagi mengaji. I should do that soon. Asyik "sibuk/lalai" je dengan dunia nie..Met some1 amazingly gifted. I've known him for a long time.. but it's just amazing to engage in a conversation with him cos he inspired me to pursue what's nagging in me but I've not been sure about it.

I'm so proud that Umar nows till surah Al-Lahab. soo touching gitu and the alphabets. I swear I need to put in more effort in this department. Speaking of this department. I miss that part of me.. being the learning me. Do it islamically. Great need to attend a formal learning instituition. I have one in mind tapi jauh and now with baggages... donno what's the alternative.

Currently I am fighting for my rights as a social worker. As a social worker working part-time that is. I like using this term rather than "part-time social worker". Because it has totally different connotation. My work and commitment is full-time just that the hours are shorter. And the recognizing organization literally brushed me off for the fact that I was working part-time. I was pissed for 3weeks. I've decided to write in to the head. Apparently (mungkin lah eh.. benefit of the doubt) CNY - jadi belum reply. If by next week tak reply jugak, I am charging into the office and give my piece.

Lun - How about Joshua Kadison - beautiful in my eye ( i think that is the title of the song)

5 weeks to go

Visited the gynae today. Baby in position alhamdulillah. Baby is just not engaged yet. That made me really happy. For awhile i was in euphoria! That there would be posibillity of a 'normal' birth. Baby is 2.5kg currently, doc expect that she mite be 3.5kg by birth.

I came home and it finally struck me that there is a possibility of a major pain.. i got scared. I am for real. I was thinking of Lun, Ligo kak emmy... how did they do it? Yes some of us had help. Vaginal delivery pain???? I forgot how real contraction felt. I was telling myself at least I'm familiar with c-section pain. What!!! I'm even thinking of a c-section! that is crazy.

Which is the better pain? Sounds like a crazy question to ask... but i did ask this to myself.

Fear & confusion.

Satu gayung je...

Thanks Lun for the sms.

Friday nite - after maghrib tak pasal2x Umar terlentok. He started lying down which is not him to do so.. I asked him are you okay? He said I am fine. (cute lah .. for a 3year old to do his own assessment of himself) Then I tried to explain to him about daddy leaving us for 10 days and he is not coming back for some time. He looked a bit dazed and confused.

Daddy was still not at home then. Somehow tergerak hati for me to touch his forehead. He asked me to call his daddy I said tak boleh call sekarang cos daddy tgh work. His body was extremely hot. Terkejut beruk jap! I terus ambik temp and it was 38.8. Addduuhhhhh.... my sis called me, i told her Umar's condition and then Umar wanted to speak to her. He told her can you call daddy for me please,,, terus gua nangis macam orang giler tak berenti2x. Dari maghrib sampai lah laki balik and that was almost 11pm. Sungguh ku rasa nak kasi laki aku penumbuk malam tu.. tak nampak ke bini dia nie mata bengkak hidung kembang merah...

at about 9:30pm i sms him telling him that umar has very high fever. He balik the 1st qn he asked was can I handle it.. I told him its not about me its about Umar. That really got to his head and he decided not to fly. Hati gue punyaaaaaa lahhhh gembira... tak terhingga but i didnt show cos umar's fever did not subside at all. Yang kesian nye dia mencari bapak dia in his sleep.. lagilah gua nangis masa tu.. sembahyang nangis ... talk to my sis nangis.. tak abis2x. I then realised that I cannot be without him especially now.

Satu malam tak dapat tidor with umar's being unwell. Besoknya I gave him some obat.. his fever subsided... tapi batuk dia macam ade bulu kat tekak. kesian.. I told my hubby kita mesti bawak dia gi hospital cos tgk cam lain je. Skali tu dia muntah macam nak terbalik.. segala khazanah perut keluar. Panik jap laki bini!! sooo sad to see him like this... baru je nak pisah dgn bapak 10 hari sakit teruk. Kita orang pun bawak gi hospital balik kat 12 malam. penat....

so memang jahat hati nie.. but i told my husband the truth. As much as i understand the need for him to go but i can't help being selfish.... that I need him for myself.

This is our cinonet with the cutest grin on earth! Even when he is sick he will always manage a smile and a laugh!

Tempayan tu semua dah simpan balik dalam store room.......

just when

Yesterday when me and Lun spoke, she asked me whether my hubby is going to US. I said no cos we didn't hear any updates on the trip. Skali tu tak pasal2x confirm cos he got a cheap ticket there. *sigh*.. sapa nak tolong aku kat rumah nie? handling this boy is my major concern. HOw do i explain that to him cos I know he's gonna be asking day after day. argghhhh.. that will be my major anxiety. And is very close to the daddy.. oh boy! ohboy!

Well hubby leaves saturday and comes back on 20th. arghhh tooo long!! Hopefully i dont give birth any time soon.

tak gi kerja lagi

nari mc lagi sekali. kali nie batuk. sakit dah kat 3 minggu tak baik2x. mungkin kerana tak dapat tidor betul. semalam pukul 3 -6 pagi tak dapat tido. maybe the last few weeks of pembawaan ke? lately and frequently i get back aches sakit macam nak terbalik.

baby is moving violently .. my helper has started her work yesterday. alhamdulillah. so far kita boleh ngam. Insha Allah she will be helping me when I come back from hospital. Tengok rumah bersih.. senonoh.. happy rasa..

Nari ijust continue kemas sikit2x...

oh yeah nak tanya .. nak gi hospital nie nak pack ape eh? dah lupa. bag ape nak kena pakai?

dah 2 hari tak gi kerja

yup. 2 hari. sebab.. entah.. memang rasa tak sihat. tapi bila dah dok rumah rasa okay pulak. gi kerja je macam orang sakit.

i have bought the bedsheet... yang menyedihkan semua bedsheet i saw has CNY splashing all over it. Wrong time to buy. In the end i bought this soft pink spring looking bedsheet. and I bought a tablecover... ummm im short of words.. floral also. memandangkan table kat dapur nie dah cantik..hubby is making it his worktable cum study table. arrrghhh!

Oh i sold off my sony cybershot! i got $100 for that. I was hoping for 200 but hubby said dont get hopes too high. ehhee. Now pestering hubby to get another camera!. where is the logic! haahhahaha ..alhamdulillah .. my husband loves me and loves to tolerate me. Alhamdulillah.

Went to Joo Chiat complex. Fun. Been a long time. Saw nice curtains for umar's room. Quite expensive but good quality and design. Sooo mengeram. Arrghhh!!!

Im trying to learn to accept the fact that I am replaceable. Long story. But never knew that to swallow that feeling is hard.

And this muharram..i'm trying my best to rekindle a stronger relationship with Allah. Very hard job but really really am trying. Please pray for me. Amin.

*suddenly i'm thinking of keledek cooked in daun pandan... yummy.

3:29am

tak boleh tido lagi. bukan tak boleh. tapi dah terlelap at 9pm. i woke up at 2am. so up till now. currently chatting with a long time friend who is currently staying in london doing her masters.

Hopefully i will feel sleepy soon.

I borrowed Anuar Zain's sensasi collection. *sigh* no original had to burn to a copy. Nothing beats owning the real thing. im listening to the songs over and over again.

Alhamdulillah i found a part-time helper. She will start next week once a week until i deliver then she will come daily for 1/2 a day each.

HUbby mite be leaving for the US this weekend for 1o days. ARGH!

After a luxurious pre-natal massage early in the morning and a heavy breakfast at afghanistan just 30mins before that, I had my gynae appointment.

*sigh* depressing. baby in oblique position. maknanya. kepala tak ke bawah sangat tapi kaki kat atas. and the baby is small. skearng she is 2kg. Ntahlah bila dgr the news terus rasa down. I had my mom's company with umar and my nephew. Lepas tu kita gi geylang. I felt like wallowing in food. So i bought chicken briyani, kebab and cheekong. All finish.

Im waiting for hubby to come home to tell the full news.

dapat 1 je bedsheet. Itu pun rasa tak se syiok cos beli kelam kabut. Next week i told hubby that i need time for myself. He said okay... umm thus far. Takut tup tup tukar rancangan.

anyway. Tennis update. Korang mesti dah tahu Nadal lost.. totally out of Aussie Open. Not that I am a fan of tennis. ON and off tu boleh lah. But some1 gotta beat Federer man! He irritates me. Someone need to keep him down to earth. Feel the Earth Federer! I was hoping it would be Nadal. Tapi Nadal injury.

Oh well. MOve on. SG vs Msia. This weekend. Should be good. Maklumlah adik beradik kalau berjumpa tak bercekau tak sah.. love hate relationship.

Ingat nak bawak umar gi children's festival.. nothing looks appealing to me or for umar from my point of view.

*sigh*

oh yeah I got my mocha.

1.22am

I had an early sleep at 9am. All of us went to sleep after my mom left my place. Now im up and cant sleep.

So what can i talk abt? Anything under the sun moon and stars!

Wonder whether i'll have to time to blog with 2 kids ke tidak? I've been having major craving for coffee or mocha. I think dah sebulan. And I simply dont have the time or chance to get some.

Let's see. I'm 32 weeks and approximately 8 weeks to go. I need to

• get a haircut
• call contractors to hack my toilet vanity top and make a build in storage for my storeroom
• re-model the so-called office once i get the chance to
• call for part-time help. (this can be done this friday when my pre-natal kakak comes in to do massage). I'm really on my own this time. What if the part-time help can't cook or not independant enough to do house work on her own? I hope this will go well.
• Buy baby cot (this can be done in Feb)
• U know I am one jealous person ... hmm envious. I envy people who study. Another colleauge approached me for advise on courses. I'm soo *argh* about it. Will I get a chance to do this? How? Will I ever find me?
• I need to decide whether I should work full-time, part-time or non at all. I can only decide when the baby comes. Would that be the best time to decide on things?
• My hubby says im ultra controlling lately esp when it comes to him. Of course he has been doing the major housework he said that i freak out when he goes out of the house. I wish he understands more what I am going thru. It seems like my explanation tak pakai gitu. I'm too dependant on him on little things even he said. Which he doesnt want me to be. Entah eh.. maybe this is my adjustment period. I'm not as mobile as I used to be.. so I need him more. Mungkin dia rasa rimas dengan my clinging-ness. And suddenly he wanted the baby to be out soon. Which i feel it's questionable gitu. Apsal i tak tau lah why i feel like this.
• Oh another craving - is a holiday.. a break. Just wanna sit back and relax. Do nothing at all. Now everyday I sungguh bercinta nak keluar gi kerja.
• Other expensive cravings include - a new camera, handphone and a smart organizer.
• I need 2 sets of bedsheet. My hubby gave me some money to spend. I told him I barely have free time to do this cos our schedule is as such where i rush home to pick umar and the rest of the day is spent with him till hubby comes home from work. Nak go to the store to get groceries also tak terdaya. I can't manage with umar. Unless my list consist less than 5 things to buy. My energy is almost zilch.
• Eventhough I share with him babycenter page on my development. I dont think he could fully comprehend whats going on with me and in me. Anyone of you feel/felt that?Which is why he demands more from me i think.

...................................................i_mshe

Hazards

Selain dari nama town.. and a song by Richard Marx... I can't help but say that there is some hazards being married to a non-local.

I tell you from this morning.. orang asyik take advantage of us.. or maybe I'm the overly sensitive lot.

Oh before I go there, did I tell you guys I told off in a nice way my neighbour upstairs. Just now, they had some reading blasting off their sound system. I can't sleep at all. My poor hubby had to search who (hoping it wasn't them) to tell them to turn it down. Ah yes. It was. I then realised tolerance, patience and understanding are tough things to do as a Muslim. I must learn not to swear and curse. I don't do that actually just at these times I'm extremely sensitive.

So back to hazards.

We went to take Umar for a haircut. Malay barber. It took him less than 5 mins to be done! I went to the store to get something for my throat and I came back I saw them out of the door. My hubby's face was really annoyed. It was half pass job that he did. He said I should have stayed to tell the guy in the language that he knows that it was not properly done. I said you should have told me rather than leave immediately. Cos only in the taxi i noticed how poorly his hair was cut. We were the ONLY customer he had. What am i dealing with here?? mindset??? what am I dealing with in this community??? Of course my husband didn't keep quiet. He told the guy who was in denial.

We had lunch outside so-called restaurant. First thing they serve while we were looking at the menu was kerepek belinjau. Of course we ate happily and moved on with out order, we also ordered another set of kerepek belinjau. They didn't send the ordered one however billed us for the one the put on the table when we came in. I looked at the bill and told the guy who took down our order that he should have told or even have the courtesy to ask whether we want the kerepek belinjau in the first place. SOOOO what am i dealing with???? Another type of mindset!!! BUt I am going to report this.

Taxi.

Driver drove like a mad man took us less than 7 mins to reach home from the airport. SUPer fast wasn't it. The driver SNATCHED the money from my husband and drove off. This one my husband will take care.

Breathe imshe breathe.. no i'm not having contractions... but can't we have a decent day where things happen right?? For now, I don't expect that in Singapore.

lupa

apa ye nak tulis eh.. tadi ingat sekarang dah lupa.

Almost got myself into an accident tadi. Me in taxi hujan lebat, balik rumah dari ofis. The taxi i was in turn right into the small road which will lead to a carpark entrance on the right. Kat depan kita ade mini van. tak pasal2x mini van nie ambik kiri.. start to slow down. Ahpek nak ambik kanan so that he can go left, tak pasal2x mini van nie dgn sedapnye belok kanan.. lagi sikit teksi cium van. Alhamdulillah takde ape2x.. nasib tak terberanak dalam teksi. Ahpek cool giler.. tak marah pun. Gue yang marah dgn kakak bertudung merah membuat keputusan nak belok secara tiba2x tanpa warning.

Itu satu hal.

Anak ku Umar, kita orang kaki gaduh .. tapi mungkin nowadays ku takde energy nak marah dia.. dia pun naik kepala. BUT.. nowadays bila dia cakap word 'mom' .. terlalulah cute. Slang dia abis slang bapak dia.

Hal ke dua.

Semalam tgk hubby's friend's wife bersalin. Baby girl. Tak sabar nak unload rasanya. The biggest surprise was to meet an OLDDDDDDd school mate. Namanya panjang... korang (lun & Td) boleh teka tak sapa dia? Nak clue? Nama dia ade 7 syllables.

Lagi satu hal.

Old School Mate nie tanya soalan yang dah jadi satu kebiasaan aku terima. Is that your husband? Hmmm next time ade orang tanya soalan nie aku akan jawab "that's my live-in boyfriend of 5years. We are expecting another child". AHAKS.

Hal terakhir sekali.

I want to sell my cybershot. Umurnya hampir 2tahun. Get a better cybershot. AND i finally made up my mind that I want Palm Tungsten (backdated tak?) for my birthday LAST YEAR! memandangkan i dont know what i wanted so ade rain-check lah.

Belum abis.

Bangau2x yang berkeliaran around my area nie.. suka take flights in group. Sooo lah beautiful.. Macam aku tinggal kat Amazon.

Okay dah abis. Leave your comment eh?

!!!&*%$@@*&*&!!!

Im having a fit right now! I called my hubby more than 5 times he didnt answer!!! arghhh! Every time I want to ventilate he is NOT THERE TO ANSWER HIS PHONE!

I am frustrated and pissed with the neighbours!. Next door let her kid cry EVERY SINGLE DAY!!! Damn her. Im gonna tell her off. And the people upstairs do this EVERY *bleep* time! I cant get peace and quiet around here!!!! What the hell is wrong with these people!!! THey drill, they bang for god knows what reason!!!!!!

I cant sleep.. cos im a light sleeper especially day time.. and I cant read a descent islamic book bcs I am SOOOO DAMN BLOODY ANGRY!!!

@#$&@&!!@*&%$^#*!!!!!!!!! to you all!

Mobility

Yes. With almost 30 weeks in sight (what is it with me and the word SIGHT), mobility is surely a skill I appreciate most at this point in time. And I realised that from the very beginning of the pregnancy I have been less mobile. I envy Ligo for her mobility even with 2 very young kids. I can imagine she 'swishing' (with sound effect) from one place to another and at times scolding some ahpek for their oversight.

Hmm come to think of it maybe I should name this girl with some words that has to do with mobility, agility, grace, fore-sight. That would surely be appropriate since I was almost immobile for the first 5mths. Regaining strength at 5mths and now coming back to a full circle again that I am back to being in bed after certain activities.

Well if that is the case, what best can I do while in bed? Lemme see..

• I could sleep of course - that is on top most of the agenda.
• Read a book / newspaper/magazines
• Stare at the ceiling, looking for cracks so that I could finally tell those bloody *bleep* upstairs to shutup. I could bring this up finally as a cause to HDB.
• Look out for dust/bugs/geckos
• Eat & drink in bed
• Play with Umar
• Exercise like taking small steps to the toilet - takes less than 3 steps to reach there .. I have to do this bcs we all know we could get bedsores.
• Daydream
• Surf and chat with me lappie
• Talk on the phone
• No I dont have TV in my room so forget about watching TV.
• Fold clothes while in bed.
• Clean the floor from the bed!

Well I can't complain much more as it is expected that from 30wks on I will experience lethargy and tiredness. I do appreciate now the companionship of a big butt for 40 weeks. It ease you in bed.

Yes in fact! I could suggest to the govt do have BB Day out! This would surely a worthwhile investment for them to encourage more babies! And we all know Big Butts are signs of fertility. THUS we should rejoice nature's gift to US! BBs are IN!

Anyway, back to reality.. I got go Pee.

begin

The start of a new year I had a conversation with an old friend. It was emotional, touching and real.

It was Umar's first time going to school on the school bus. We are still adjusting to that fact. I had to control my tears letting him go. We share more kisses hugs and laughter nowadays. What a joy!

I thought initially to work on a few minor plans I have for myself this year. I had mentally prepare myself to be a stay at home mom. Well, I may do that part-time. I am enjoying free time in the afternoon although with this pregnancy my movement is alittle restricted. *Sigh* I actually thought of going to Batam for the weekend. Somehow I shelved the idea.. although I kinda regret that now.

What I wish for in 2007 (although it doesn't matter to me that it is a new year it's just a sort of a new day with new beginning)

I wish for more time with my loved ones. It is an effort I have to make.

I wish to re- learn/re-discover my passion.

I wish for a better Earth for everyone to live in. Although this sounds very MissUniverse-y but we should put our heads, heart and hands to make this more liveable.

I would want to attempt to take driving lessons and get a license and I pray that I don't harm any living being.

With the rain in sight..nothing is more beautiful than the sight of the ever faithful egrets (bangau). I saw more than 20 huddling up together and as if they were observing silence or some form of prayer. All of them stood really still for some time.

And I would want to attempt to cook more at home.. be more wifey you know.

The end of 2006

Promise me you'll remember

This love together today

We may not have tomorrow

It's not for us to say

If we should lose each other

Somewhere inside the dark

Promise me you'll remember

How good we are

Why do I find this sadness

Under your sweetest kiss

Destiny seems to whisper

It won't stay like this

Whenever we're together

I feel time standing still

I only know I love you

And I always will

If we should lose each other

Somewhere inside the dark

Promise me you'll remember

How good we are

Time isn't kind to lovers

It breaks the hardest heart

Promise me you'll remember

How good we are

Love theme from Godfather III

By Harry Connick Jr

For all love that was lost in 2006, for a man for a woman for passion for a country for a statesman. Eid Mubarak.

Pregnancy amnesia

Yes mine is quite teruk... i can forget things within split seconds and its hard for me to recall or even try to retrace my steps.

ANYWAY!!! I found the bags of baby stuffs which i thought i must have thrown it out together with the trash! Camne tah it appeared at the bottom pile (well belum sempat kemas) in my closet. So out appeared 1 dozen more clothes, 2 bottles, brush.. etc! *sigh* okay lah alhamdulillah .. now she has 3 dozen clothes and 5 sets of mittens and booties! and 2 hats.

okay what else. Oh yeah went to the gynae today... okay i must have mis-read my own body weight. I have gained almost 5 kg in 1 mth. That's 10kg in total!!!!! arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrggggggghhhhhh!!!! I was shocked that I weighed myself on the machine TWICE! and i fear another 10kg gain in the next 3mths!! anyway.. i was kinda feeling upset/confused/disappppointed with myself.. cos i thot baby would be small but seems like she's gonna just as big as Umar. *sigh*.. I fear it maybe another c-section eventho the gynae didnt say anything about it. She said kedudukan baby is melintang... maybe she needed the space and she said got room in my tummy so boleh main pusing2x! She said its still early anyway.

*sigh*

i wish for morning - an appeal

For once in my life I wish morning would just be round the corner. I don't want to sleep tonite if I can. But yes I know it's not good for me.

I wanna be the first to know that my loved ones are alrite and safe from harm. Night time just takes that away. The fear of a fleeting moment - that something could happen to any one of them.

I was thankful that each time I wake up to pee (lately) that I hear the sound of the rain. It gave me comfort and covered me with a warm blanket. But not tonite rain. You can continue your duty but nite I want the sun to come out and assure me that things are alrite. I want to get rid of fear in me. I want to be at ease.

So please sun come out sooner for me... put my fear at ease.

Feels like home

A good chat with TD last nite lifted my spirits. Gave me a sense of 'home' ... familiarity.

I am still thinking about Mardijah Aldrich Tarantino. I can't get over it!

Thanks for the time TD.

i_mshe

i don't understand people

I don't understand people who make relationships be it friendship, intimate relationships, bgr, ggr or bbr even - complex. Why do people make it hard on other people in order to satisfy themselves? I had a friend who had mood swings. It affected me a lot cos nothing I do was right. And till now I have yet to ask why this friend acted that way. Why the mood swings? I deserve some answers. Anyway I dread going back to the office. Pls rain the whole day and night and day and night.

overdoing

Yes I think I am overdoing it. My girl has 2 dozens clothes that may last her till she is 6-8mths! But I can't remember where I put some of her clothes that she is suppose to wear when she comes back from the hospital. Still we have yet to complete our baby stuff shopping. And I absolutely when crazy (eksyen je) when I saw this baby bag from mothercare that cost $125!!!

Ahh... at 27 weeks I can't wait to give birth! I have like hmm 13 weeks to go.. Macam lama lagi gitu. I can't wait! I pray that Allah will give her health, iman and wisdom. Amin. Thus far i've gained like 6kg only. Unlike when I was pregnant with umar I totally ballooned! And i'm all in love with my son, Umar cos he keeps me laughing. Of course he gets on my nerve but he is simply too adorable and I love him soooooooooo much. Ah speaking of him, school re-opens soon. He will be takign the school bus next year. I wish I don't have to put him on the bus. It's like abandoning him .. a betrayal! *sigh* it has to be done. I can't imagine him 1 hr on the bus ride to school and home. arrrghhhh. Allah please protect my son from harm.

This one (the girl) has character... and pretty vocal ( i hope she is pretty and vocal!) Sometimes i have to tell her to tone down abit or to keep quiet (hehehe dalam perut dah kena marah!) and amazingly she understood and listened to me!

But I'm a sensitive schmuck which i've never been. Easily offended especially when I feel my husband did wrong (or something nothing wrong even!). I crave for expensive chocolates! yipes! but i hold myself back - and fresh fruit juice and fruits. And I like McCafe's cappucino..which early morning today I overdose myself on it!

I don't know whether to rejoice the time I have now or to be impatient for the baby's arrival.. which means I'm gonna be very busy. I can't imagine what 2007 would hold for me or how things maybe. I simply cannnot imagine how things will be with 2 kids. So how is it for you lun and ligo? tell me.

katakan yang benar walaupun ia pahit

This is the hardest thing to do isn't it? Takes courage, comfort and disclosure. I'm back to square 1. Re-finding myself again. I shelved it for a few months now and it creep in me today. I miss learning Balaghah.

If I accept

the sunshine and warmth

I must also accept

the thunder and lightning.

(Khalil Gibran from Mary Haskell’s Journal. March 12, 1922.)

The colors of the morning

Taking a break from all the morning hassle, I love the colors of morning. Its greying blue. I can't imagine waking up to color of red morning or bright green or purple. It's a sign of Allah's mercy on us, helping our eyes brain and senses adjust from night to day.

I like looking at the morning dew scattered on the spiderwebs. Gives me a sense of coolness and calmness inside. Most of all, I like looking at the egrets scattered and scavenging for food on the field near my house. It breaks the monotony of the bricks, mortars and facade that we carry day to day.

Good morning!

somethings you just got to accept and live with it

Today morning my mom called me telling me she feels unwell ... there was blood in her spetum (camne nak spell bende nie.. tak ingat) So me kelam kabut go to the house.. There are somethings i wish i could share for the love of my mother with you all. tapi tak terdaya nak tulis. I was just terribly sad, upset, disappointed and felt it was just beyond my control. What can you say about orang tua. Dorang dah make up their mind kan. Susah nak kata.. macam2x alasan keluar. Believe me I am dead tired rite now. I got home at 10pm. Alhamdulillah i guess it is a blessing now i am working part-time and my employers don't mind me taking off and making it up later. Alhamdulillah juga perut tak sakit pinggang tak sakit. Semalam pergi botanical garden and vivocity... sakit perut and pinggang. Allah kesian kan agaknye. I am just soo speechless and I have no more comment on this cos it's emotionally draining and it is a worthless fight cos we are not going to win. Kadang2x fikiran nie jahat.. brapa lama eh...mungkin tak lama hidupnye... sungguh tak baik fikir gini tapi it's the best for her and for us. Cos ade limit kalau gitu. tapi kalau fikirkan sapa2x pun boleh datang ajal tak kira muda atau tua. Sebab tu kadang2x rasa nak lari saje. Forget this world. Penat. I don't blame my husband for getting angry also. I know he wants to protect me. Tapi ye lah nie nama dia cultural difference. Dia tak faham and tak boleh terima how things just work. Tak boleh just move on and live with it.

memang

Arghhhh Tolong bantu!!! Obviously I made some changes...AND I don't know how to do it!!! Help! p/s : I'm hungry

upgrade

Arghhhhhhhhh

I lost my post!

I've upgraded for the benefit of my bloghealth.

Plans for the weekend - saturday - open house and on sunday morning picnic at botanical garden.

I watched pgltm i lovvvvvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeeee it sooooooooo muchhhhhh! Proud of my jiran! AC Mizal is my fav and Afdlin Aman Ramlie is simply sexy!

Thanks cekya for dropping by. I hope all is well with you in London. Bila balik?

Lun - sunday ade kat rumah ibuk tak? insha Allah nak singgah.

Ligo - apsal sonyap je?

mamaemmy - how u doing? apsal tak update lagi blog?

The Dreamer - gi lanjutkan pelajaran kat mana? Australia? Canada? USA? New Zealand?

WTl - how r u girl? jgn sedih selalu. I miss you.

its almost midnite . Semalam gi full scan .. so dapat picture of baby. I saw how she looks like. Masha Allah. Allah is truly amazing. Now while me bloggin baby is kicking and movign around. I still dont have a good name for her. I honestly think naming a female child is harder than male.

Another colleague of mine leaving. sedih. ape nak buat. I've been offered to come back fulltime. tapi tak nak. dah takde hati. I'll just take a break and re organise my life for a while.

OKlah.. don't have much to say.

thanks for the prayers

Alhamdulillah my mom went home yesterday. It was not easy for us.. everything was on the edge. What was told was that she had a damage/irregular heart vessel.

You know I realised something abt myself. I dont take my mom's complain abt her health seriously. Maybe because I am used to seeing her running about (yes she runs still and she is 70) and masih menyangkul kat kebun. She can climb trees if she wants to but only climbs kitchen cabinets to get the dusts and webs out. She used to wash the walls with her own concoction of sabun. She stopped doing that for this year's hari raya. Then again even when my dad complained of pains I took it nonchalantly. I know now it's my own defense mechanism at work. I can't handle my love ones in pain.

Taking care of her made me take a step back. It gave me a chance to take a hard look at her. She has wrinkled flabby skin, her muscles seems all dried out and what's left of her that cloth her body is just her skin. Her eyes are grey and crows feet don't do justice to her. And I began to appreciate the time that Allah has given her, the health He has always promised her. She barely gets sick.

So I guess this is Allah's way of telling her and especially all of us to take time out for ourselves, for our health. You know I used to follow my mom during her hey day to Kelantan on a bus in the morning from Singapore and the moment we dropped off she started buying her keropok and kain and book the next bus home. By midnite or wee hours of morning we would have reached Singapore. Amazingly hyper isn't she? She was in her 50s when she did this.

When she was early 60s she went umrah with my cousin, and could still jump into a bus while the bus was still running. It was hard for all of us, her children to tell her to take it slow. She lives on adrenaline rush. And if you tell her to stay home and just do chores, she be having fever by mid day. And this is no joke. She will be taking panadol and be lying in bed as if she was struck by a bad flu. And her health still permits, she would be one of the contestant in the Amazing Race.

Even my late father was blessed with good health and strength. He could still arm wrestle anybody that challenged him at the age of 70. Even though by then he had a bit of heart condition and a spine problem.

SO ALHAMDULILLAH. Allah wants my mom to take a breather. I know she'll be back on her feet soon (she's already planning trips to Johor, Bintan and KL) but I know this time she will take it slow.

Adakah ini penentuan masa?

This morning my mother was brought to the emergency. She complained of chest pain. Test showed that she has some heart problem. They can't ascertain what it is until blood test comes back from the lab. That means it'll be tomorrow.

Cardiologist said she had a heart attack.

Pray for my mom people, please. Pray that everything is fine and she will be healthy.

Congrats to LUn!

Ucapan tahniah to LUn and family for the birth of baby boy pukul 1:30am tadi pagi. Alhamdulillah ibu and anak sihat.

Anyway i think i need to change my blog ah... nie blog asyik problem nak masuk....

Hows everybody? I'm looking for a baby's name ah... Insha Allah baby girl due in March 07 end of March that is.

Thanks for the well wishes aritu.. tak dapat jawab cos the blog jadi giler.

SO highly likely need a new blog.

see u all soon! Jemput datang ke rumah.. yang dekat dan jauh ye *wink*

OH WTL - thanks for the raya kad! Lov it!